You Will Be Covered In Gold
by Lonewritersclub
Summary: Poison & Antidote. Or is it "The Fantastic Foursome"? They became famous no matter what the name of their band was. But fame is pain sometimes and Dan's never been a masochist. And Phil can't help but worry, when their singer and his closest friend turns to drugs. / Phan, PJ and Chris / AU: Band
1. What's going on

It's annoying when you got more ideas than you have time. But I couldn't help but write this one. Warning: smoking, drug-using, slight mention of rape and maybe smut.

* * *

"Whoo! Fuck yeah! I love you! Yeah! Let's partay! Whoo!"

It was late. Like twelve pm.

But it was early for them. Madison Square Garden was filled to the lasts seats and they got a few songs to play still. The most famous and loved one saved to the end.

Daniel Howell. The twenty-four-year-old boy with the dark brown fringe hair who could sing himself into people's hearts at any time and place. He was singing his last breaths from his lungs and playing that electric guitar until the strings would break.

PJ Liguori, the twenty-five-year-old guitarist with the brunette curly mob of hair was next to the lead singer and playing the soft tunes on his much loved acoustic guitar, throwing his head back and forward with the music.

Philip Lester, the twenty-eight-year-old bassist. His ink black fringe ended just before his eyes, but now was a real mess with all the jumping he was doing. His deep red bass made people's heart thump in tune with the sounds it made by his talented playing.

Chris Kendall, also twenty-eight, was the glue that made everything work with his amazing drumming skills. The beat pulled it all together.

The thousands of fans and just people sang and danced and did whatever made them happy as they listened to the number one charted band of the year.

_The Fantastic Foresome. _

That wasn't their band's actual name, but for some reason people had started to call them that after they got popular. They were really named the _Poison &amp; Antidote_, but I guess it was more lame than "The _Fantastic Foursome_".

Dan let out his deep moaning sound as the final note in the last song and people went crazy. Dan broke into a wide, cheeky smirk and gave a two fingered salute as they humbly walked off the stage with a lazy bow.

They went backstage to greet everyone back there, but quickly went to their private lounge to cool off as all of them were wearing black skinny jeans which were hot as hell, by both meanings. Dan's were ripped from the knees, not because of fashion though, but by accident. Everyone knew as sexy as he was, he was an adorable, stumbling dork in and out. He got a tank top that had "Howl" written on it and it was wet with sweat so he went to the bathroom to get change and maybe get a frisk shower.

As much as he was famous, loved and commented of being hot these days, he was a shy, self-conscious and -conflicted human being still.

PJ, Phil and Chris were getting their beers finally. They never drank before a show not to make any mistakes. Now the cool beer was the most welcome drink for the British lads.

"Rock ain't dead definitely with you around", said a blond girl that came up to them. They guessed she was wishing to be some kind of groupy, but they didn't have or want those with them. "Thanks", PJ still said with a small smile and went to sit on the couch where Phil had already seated himself in a very space-owning way.

Chris started talking with the girl and offered her a beer too witch she took.

"Where's Dan by the way? Or _Bear _as you call him?" she asked eventually. "Bear" was a pretty ridiculous nickname they had for Dan as he didn't fill any of the characteristics of the term, but they gave it to him, because he had watched Winnie the Pooh too much as a child and got a very posh, no, articulate dictionary and a way of speaking because of it. He owned it's books and the teddy bear too.

"I don't know. Probably just freshening up, I guess. We're going back to our hotel in half an hour, but you'll get to meet him, I'm sure", Phil answered when Chris just shrugged.

"Okay, good", the girl said and looked much relieved after.

_Everyone always wanted see the singer..._ Chris thought as he walked off to see his other mates. Though who could blame them, Dan was a pretty boy.

Dan just got out of the bathroom with his hair wet and beginning to curl when Chris walked past him with a bitter expression. He was about to ask what was wrong, but the girl turned around and screamed, full on screamed in excitement. She ran towards him and nearly rugby tackled him to the ground as Dan was more of the skinny kind than the buff kind.

"Woah, hey there", Dan said with bewildered chocolate eyes. "Oh hi, _Bear."_

She snaked her arms around his waist and looked up to his lips. Her hands explored too freely and under the clean black shirt, so Dan pulled away swiftly with a gaps. "Um, sorry, but I got to go. It was nice meeting you though. Hope you liked our show", he said with an apologizing smile and escaped to their manager's room.

The girl looked like she was dreaming and just stood there with her mouth open. She finally left the lounge after waiting for Dan to come back out twenty minutes and a security guard telling her it was time to go. That her backstage pass run out.

Phil looked at it with slight sadness in his eyes and sympathy for Dan. He decided to go over and tell Dan that the way was clear. He slugged over to the manager's room and didn't bother knocking because usually no one was up to anything private other than sleeping at this hour, even though they were an R&amp;B band and all.

"Hey, Dan..." Phil stopped to his tracks when he opened the door and raised his gaze to the back of the room where the sofa was.

Dan was lying on his back on the sofa and their manager, Keith Robson was pinning him down from the waste down and feeling Dan up. His hands were at his hips, fingers already tugging at the waistband of his underwear.

Dan didn't look like he was very into it.

Keith turned around in half a second when he heard Phil's voice. He didn't move other than his hands to the sofa to keep himself up somewhat.

"What's happening in here?" Phil asked with a worry and confusion lacing his voice. Dan looked into his blue eyes desperately.

"We were talking... uh, about what seats you will take, um, on the airplane. 'Cause it's full from the business class, but..." Keith stammered and was beginning to get up from pinning Dan down.

"No! What are you doing to Dan?" Phil demanded.

"We're just having a bit of fun", Keith said. "That's all."

Dan swung his legs from the sofa and stumbled towards the door where Phil was still standing. "Are you okay?" Phil asked Dan as he got to him.

The younger boy stopped beside him for a second teary eyed. His lips were quivering slightly and Phil was afraid that he had been too late. Then Dan shook his head and cast his eyes down as if to gather himself up.

"Yeah, I'm fine", he said automatically, but a bit quietly and looked up at Phil, all the fear and vulnerability gone from his eyes. Even the tears. He had gone full blank from emotional in matter of seconds. Then he dived past him through the doorway and walked off.

Phil watched it in wonderment, but then turned his head to look at Keith who had got up and was standing by the mirror.

"What were you doing to him?" Phil asked again with a deep frown on his face.

"It's none of your business, Philip! Go tell the others that were leaving in five. I'll pack from here", Keith said sternly and frowned back at him and began sorting things out in his bag.

Phil felt a bit hopeless. He wasn't going the get the answers from Keith. He made himself clear that he was unhappy about anyway and turned around, taking the cigarette pack from Keith's room and slam the door behind him.

He walked heavily in to the lounge where everyone else was and popped a cigarette between his lips and lit it up, taking a good cancer-giving inhale of it. Phil saw his mates sitting on the long couches, looking very relaxed and lazy. Dan however was sitting in an armchair, curled up in a little ball, his head resting on his knees, biting his thumb's nail weirdly.

"Hey, pack your things. We're leaving in five minutes. The cars are going be here in a few", Phil said and started putting his things into a leather bag he had. It was an old black bag he had gotten from Dan as his twenty-second birthday. It had studs on the shoulder straps. It was very cool and edgy. Maybe a bit nerdy too with the Tamagotchi that hang out of it. Yes, Phil still got a Tamagotchi and it was level nine.

"Yeah, yeah", Chris muttered under his breath as he too began packing the few items they had laid out around the lounge. PJ was already ready so he helped Dan out as he seemed a bit zoned out of it all.

"Is everything alright, Bear?" the green eyed boy asked him as he put the shirt Dan had worn on stage in his black backpack.

"Wonderful", Dan replied bitterly. He focused on the packing now, not wanting to talk about anything right now. Definitely not about _how he was feeling. _

"Hey... You can talk to me if you need to. But if you don't want to right now, it's okay. Let's just go back to the hotel and relax properly", PJ said softly and pat Dan's back affectionately. Dan turned his head around to look at his friends face and the honesty playing on it. He smiled sadly and nodded his head. "Thanks."

"Alright, alright! Is everything done in here? Can we get on fucking moving now?" Keith's voice boomed in the room and he ran a hand over his dirty blond hair.

"Yeah, we can. You don't have to yell", Dan said, sounding like he was almost pleading. A slight shakiness was added to his tone.

"Well sometimes it seems you have to be a bit rough to get people moving, you see _Bear. _I decide what happens here and we're going now. The cars are waiting for us", Keith basically sneered. He never called Dan '_Bear' _and he loathed people calling him that. It didn't fit him at all, in his mind. It was too innocent and sweet for him.

Dan shivered, repulsed by Keith's words. Phil saw this with a worry in his mind. He glared at Keith's direction even though he refused to look at him.

"Let's just go now", Phil said and went to help his band out with the baggage. A few of the assistants came and helped them too and soon they could hop in to their cars, after diving through a sea of fans and paparazzi.

Phil sat in the backseat with PJ, Dan and Chris were in the other car behind them. It was a slow start, because the people wouldn't budge that easily from their way, but the security guards did their job fairly fast.

The screaming was so loud it was heard even in the cars as good as the soundproof was in them.

After they got past the screaming mess of people and on the road, Phil and PJ began talking.

"Did you see Dan? He looked really upset", PJ said and rummaged through his bag to look for his phone.

"Yeah, I did. I went to look for him from Keith's room and I found them, uh, in a pretty intimate position", Phil mumbled awkwardly, fiddling with his hands on his lap.

"What? Were they having sex or something?" PJ shouted. The driver looked from the review mirror at them for a second before looking away as Phil gave him a scold.

"No, no. But it looked like it was about to happen. But Dan didn't look very into the whole thing. I fear that Keith was going to stop though even if he didn't want it. When I asked Dan if he was okay, he said he was fine, but he didn't look like it", Phil said quietly. PJ looked at him in horror.

"No... Keith wouldn't do that. He's our manager."

"I now realized that this probably wasn't the first time I've seen him watching Dan like he did in that room. Have you noticed they way he looks at him? Like he's a piece of meat or something. Like he's ready to eat him." Phil's face was a face of disgust and he shook his head to clear it from the thoughts that started flowing in from his own words.

"Oh God... Why hasn't Dan said anything? This isn't right. Why would Keith start doing these things now? I don't understand it."

"Hmm. Maybe it's because Dan has gotten so famous and popular. Maybe he felt like he had to quicken his mission now, when people are basically throwing themselves on Dan. I don't know. But I don't like it. We need to talk about this. And ask what Keith said to him. We'll find a new manager if we need to. You can find those from anywhere. Even if Keith was with us from the start, this is far more important and crucial than that."

"Hm", PJ made an agreeing sound with a nod of his head. "But first, sleep."

"You can go to sleep, I'll check on Dan to make sure he's alright. I worry about him a lot. He looks pretty sad almost all the time. The fame isn't doing him good. He isn't that kind of a person", Phil said and pushed his fringe back from his blue eyes.

"You're very good to him, Phil. Stay like that too", PJ said and then rested his head against his seat. "I will", Phil stated as he did the same. It was going to be a long night.


	2. Take you to rest

So the writing style changes a bit like to the first person pov, okay. Just because why not. TW: drug-use and that type of stuff.

* * *

I shrugged off my leather jacket, when I got to my dingy hotel room. I was still hot and sweaty so I decided to grab a shower before I would go looking for Dan. Let him settle in first too. God, it's already half three.

The warm water relaxed my tense shoulders and I leaned my head against the cold tiles of the shower. I shampooed my hair too, it was so dirty that I could have made a Mohawk just with the sweat in it. But soon it all went down the drain. I toweled myself dry and put on some clean clothes from my bag and even brushed my teeth.

My hair was still wet, when I arrived to Dan's room. The door was ajar so I went right in. The air wasn't clear, but smudgy and bad to breath. Some people in the room were smoking bongos or joints or cigars and whatever. Of course different sorts of alcohol were served as well. All were sat in sort of a circle of chairs, pillows and sofas. I saw Dan lying on the sofa, eyes half lidded and his feet on some strangers lap who was smoking a joint. He was caressing his denim covered legs attentively. Chris was there too, a cigar between his lips and a guitar on his lap which he was playing absently.

I shut the door and sat across from Dan's face beside Chris on the uncomfortable wooden chair. Dan looked like he was out of it, his brown eyes never quite focusing on anything, but wondering from place to place.

"Dan", I whisper yelled at him. He didn't seem to notice me though. "Dan, I want to talk with you", I called again. This time he looked at me, first in surprise, then in averse. "I don't want to talk", he said back and sat up on the sofa, his leg-caresser looking disappointed and longing. Dan took a shot of some clear liquid that was poured for him. Probably tequila.

Someone was putting coke on the table and making lines. Dan glanced at them indifferently until the guy offered him to do one.

"You want one? It's really fucking good, man. Have a taste. It's on the house. Makes you feel all light and shit", the guy said and gave Dan a dollar bill that had been rolled into a straw. Dan looked up at him for a moment, reflecting on should he have it or not. He really looked like he was about to agree and I started panicking. He couldn't become addicted to drugs. That would ruin us all!

"Dan, no. You can't do do drugs. We made a deal. They'll ruin you. Please, Dan, you know this", I said. He didn't listen still. Instead he gave me a glare and took the handed bill and snorted one white line from the glass table. I watched in horror and shock as he did it and wiped his nose quickly before leaning back down on the sofa, his eyes rolling back. The leg-caresser took his legs back on his lap and continued his motions on worshiping them.

"Fuck", I whispered to no one in particular as I hung my head to my hands. I watched as Dan took his flight to the sky through the strands of black hair on my eyes. Why did he have to hate me now? I hadn't done anything to him. I was the one trying to help him, but he was letting me.

What if I was actually intruding he's personal life? Had I interrupted him? What if he wanted Keith in reality? Had I seen it all wrong?

No, I had seen it clear as the air wasn't in here. Dan was just messed up now. Even more so with the drugs.

I stood up from my seat and went beside Dan and took him into my arms. People around us looked at me confusedly as I carried him out of his room.

"Where you going with him?" Chris stopped me with a frown.

"I'm taking him to my room. He can sleep there. This room is in no condition to be slept in", I said and continued to my room. I heard Chris grumble something I couldn't make out as I left. He was so damn envious all the time.

My bed was still neatly made, so I laid Dan on it first before taking off his jacket and shoes. Could I take his jeans off too? I mean, they aren't very comfortable to be slept in. But what if he woke up and find me undressing him like that? He would think I'm one of the bad guys then or a creep.

I decided to first lift the bed cover so I could bring it over him easier and then laid him on the bed properly.

"Dan? Hey? Anyone in there?" I decided to wake him up a bit to get his jeans off.

Dan opened his eyes slightly too look at me. He squinted in confusion as he took in his surroundings. "You're in my room. You need to rest. It's been a long day", I told him softly.

"Mmph", he huffed as he closed his eyes again and brought his hand to cover them.

"Do you want your jeans off?" I asked awkwardly.

"Yea... But don't you take them off. I can do it", he grumbled and with great difficulty he kicked them off of him and slipped beneath the covers. I tried not to look at his long, slim and pale legs that had barely any hair on them as they escaped from my eyes. I tucked him in better and he rolled his eyes at me, and then I hit the lights. I stripped to my underwear and went beneath the covers as well, careful not to intrude Dan's half of the bed.

I fell asleep easier than ever before, being so tired by now even with the noise coming from the other rooms. And probably that was also because I had Dan safely next to me so I didn't have to worry about anything bad happening to him. And maybe a little bit because I had someone next to me.

And even if I'll never admit it to myself,

maybe because that person was Dan.


	3. Quit it

We went back to London after being two months on the tour. It's autumn now and the leaves are falling from the trees, crisp, orange, red and rusty. The air is cool and it's windy and rainy.

Thankfully I'm not outside right now, because I still don't own an umbrella which is probably the weirdest thing since I live in England where it rains all the God damn time.

The rustic flat with red brick walls I share with PJ has dirty windows with black sills. I have opened one of them and tried to drag the last breaths of the cigarette between my fingers.

"Can't you do that outside?" PJ moaned when he arrived to the lounge. I turn my head to look at him and we have a stare competition of will. Eventually I let go of the cigarette and let it fall all the way down the three blocks of flats beneath ours.

"Thank you", PJ says and goes to the kitchen for beer. He brings me back one and I nod to him as a lousy thanks. I open the bottle with my teeth, because I can and drink about half of it in one go. PJ sits down on one of the brown leather armchairs across from me. He huffs quietly and throws the paper he had in his hands that I didn't even notice, on the wooden coffee table in front of me rather loudly. I put my drink down and frown at him. He cocks his eyes to the paper, telling me to read it.

He's on the first page. He's got his head down low, wonky legs barely keeping him walking straight. He's in dark clothes that yell he's a junkie without the rumors having to tell it. His grey, thin t-shirt has holes in it, it's a bit too big because he so, so skinny now, and his got black, round, camera-like glasses on his nose and a black beanie on his head. And of course, that damned girl Ridley walking next to him on the streets of London. Her blond hair is dirty and uncared for just like the rest of her.

The headline is: "Dan Howell denies help of his family for his drug problems". I don't even want to read the rest and I already know what's up with him and his family. They only want to help him, because they don't want this bad publicity. And Dan has denied this help because he knows that too. That they don't really care about it.

But I do. And I swear to God, I've been trying to get him to get help, but he's just too stubborn. He thinks he doesn't have a problem, but if you use even the slightest bit of drugs, you can be sure that you're troubled. But he just denies it all. I'm considering that maybe we should do it by force then if nothing else works. I mean, he's our lead singer, we can't lose him. And he's a good friend of our's.

"Fucking hell. He looks really bad. This isn't good, Phil. What are we gonna do about him?" PJ asked with a deep sigh of frustration. I shook my head in wonder.

"I know. But I don't know. Should we just make him stop no matter if we wanted it or not? Where is Chris by the way? We have to go to the studio tomorrow, but he hasn't answered my calls or texts", I said to him.

"I think he's with his new girlfriend. All they do is go to the clubs though. I don't see how they have become a thing. They probably don't even know anything about each other. But about Dan then, I don't think we have much choice. Let's see how he's holding up tomorrow and then talk about it", PJ said and opened his laptop. He was probably crafting the video for the new song. We did all the music videos by ourselves, but PJ was the most excited one to do them.

I hummed in response. I opened the television to past the time, but the news were just about the same thing. I don't understand how they can call them news if nothing has been admitted, just rumored. Fortunately we had Netflix.

But the worry didn't leave me. All I wanted was to make sure Dan was alright.

* * *

It started recording. He sang alone in the red booth after we recorded the music bit first. He was really good. He didn't look messed up or high right now which was great. But he look terribly gaunt and his eyes didn't sparkle like they used to. His skin was pale and he had dark rings around his eyes. He looked like he was anxious and just wanted to get out of here. Maybe to get a fix.

They took it from the start to the end only two times more and now it was just left to be edited. Dan sat on the couch silently behind us where we stared at the monitors and all the different buttons. It would take a while and I wasn't the greatest one to help them with that, so I took this as an opportunity to talk with him.

I flopped down next to him, not too close, but enough that it was clear I had full intentions to have a little talk. He turned his head around to face me tiredly, his head prompted on his hand. "We need to discuss about your addiction", I said very straightforwardly. The others didn't hear us from the music, but I could see that PJ caught some of it and I saw his back muscles tense.

"I don't hav-", he was about to respond but I stopped him right there. "No, don't lie to me, Dan. I know. We all do. Everyone. I'm really worried about you. It needs to stop. Whatever you're doing, it needs to stop. It isn't healthy. It's hurting you. It's hurting us. No one's benefiting from it. We can help you if you just let us", I said and put my hand firmly on his jean covered knee as to remind him that we were there for him.

But to my shock, he slapped it away and looked at me like I had done something inexcusable and horrible. I didn't understand, but I quickly retreated my hand to my lap. I continued to look at him confused and hurt hoping he would explain why he did that. "Why did yo-?"

I saw his face change from angry to a ashamed one.

"I-I'm sor-ry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I-I know, I need to stop. I have to go", he stuttered out then got up before I could say another word and left the studio. The others noticed this and watched him flee dumbfounded.

"What just happened?" Chris asked. I could only shrug. "I just said that he needed to stop with the drugs and we would help him if he wanted us to. Then I put my hand on his knee and he freaked out", I told them and got up from the couch.

"Ookayy. Well, maybe he was high right then too and because of that just acted out. Who knows. But we need to finish this song now. PJ already has the script for the video", Chris said like he couldn't care less about Dan's well-being. That really annoyed me, but I didn't think that getting angry would help with anything right now. If Dan didn't quit the drug abuse, then we would have to have an intervention. And Chris needed to get back to his senses and remember his friend who was struggling.

* * *

I know it's shit.


	4. Come with me

"We're out fucking of food! Go get some from the shop! I want cheese. And bagels. Oh, and those fucking stringy things, you know!" PJ shouted at me from the kitchen, his head disappeared in the fridge. I was just about to leave to see the producer with Dan who had agreed to meet me there.

"Of course, darling. I'll be back in about two hours. Will you be fine with me gone, sugar?" I asked playfully. I was already gripping the door handle, ready to leave.

"Fuck off!" I heard him groan, but I knew he wasn't really angry. We did this all the time.

"Stay safe, honey!" I continued and left with a smirk on my face. I took a taxi, because when you're this famous, you can never really take the underground or whatever or people will smash you against the walls with their phones flashing in a blinding way. I know from experience.

The ride to the studio was pretty short. As I entered the modernly designed building I saw Dan sitting lazily on one of the lounge chairs with his head in his beanie so deep, that the hair was pushed over his eyes that you couldn't see them. He looked like he was passed out or just really high. I'd guess the latter one.

"Hey", I said to Dan as I reached to him. He looked really tired, when he slowly rose his head to meet my concerned eyes. "Are you ready to go?" I asked and offered a hand to him to help him up. He nodded in his slow-ass way, but stayed put. He stared at my hand for a good two seconds and in the end took it. I felt really weird about it. His hand was cold. Like he had it in ice just minutes ago. I had to release it once he was up, even if I kinda wanted to hold on to it a little longer. I felt like he was safer when he was with me.

We walked on the red carpeted floors over to the door where our producers name was carved on a silver platter. I knocked on the wooden door thrice and leaned my forehead against the coolness of it. Our producer, Mandy, always took her damn time with everything. Who knows what she was doing, eating a fucking chocolate bar, she'll do only one task at a time, even if one was knocking on her door.

Dan leaned himself on the black coloured wall next to me and released a deep sigh.

"Are you alright?" I asked him softly and peeked through my overgrown fringe at him. He turned his head and gave another sigh. "Fine", he grumbled back and turned his gaze away from me again.

"Yep, totally fine. I can tell. You're your usual assholic way", I responded sarcastically. I heard a grumble from Dan, but that's when Mandy finally opened the door.

"Hi. Come in", she just said and turned on her heels, her long, black hair whipping me in my face. It was my turn to grumble now.

"Hello, Mandy. So kind of you to see us so quickly", I said keeping on my annoyed tone. She didn't get bothered by it though. She was used to it by now. She probably got that from everyone, but just didn't care.

"Sit your asses down so we can get down to business. Everything looks real good. Your CD's and vinyls are selling really well. Also your concerts have been packed. Congrats for getting Garden packed too. Money's flowing well. Yeah, and the videos on Youtube too are getting views like crazy", she informed while looking through the papers on her desk. She was sat down on the leather chair behind it and me and Dan sat down across from her. They started talking more about the financial side of things which wasn't all that interesting but important otherwise.

"And you're recording the last song for the album now?" she asked.

"We just finished. It's complete. PJ wants us to shoot the video before the tour", I answered her. She just nodded in response.

"Is everything going alright inside the band though? I've read about you, Dan. On the papers they say horrible things about you. Are they true?" she suddenly asked.

Dan turned really pale at the mention of that and hid his face by looking down to his lap.

"Maybe some of them. Most rumors are fake though. They make a lot of noise about nothing", Dan mumbled quietly. Mandy re-positioned herself in her chair, looking pretty intimidating as she stared down at Dan. I was scared even though she wasn't complaining to me.

"Dan, are you using narcotics even though we had a deal that no one in the band would use those substances?" she asked firmly. Dan's gaze wandered all over the floor to never meet her icy, grey eyes.

"I'm trying to stop", he said.

"You know they really bring problems to this band. You really need to stop", she said shaking her head and looking down to her desk. Dan could see how disappointed she was and that really made him embarrassed and ashamed. I watched the scene silently, feeling sympathy for Dan, but also for Mandy. Neither of them wanted to be in this situation. Neither did I.

"I know, I know", Dan said and I could hear tears in his throat. I wanted to get up from my uncomfortable chair and got to him and comfort him, then get him through his problem with the least amount of pain as possible.

"Either you stop on your own or I'll send you to rehab forcefully where you'll stay until you clear out, and we'll lose days from the tour. Which city you don't want to go to?" she said harshly.

"I'll stop", he just said, then stood up. I guess our meeting was over now.

"We will see you before going on the tour then?" I inquired nervously. A bit afraid she was going to yell at me too. She just nodded once again, just staring at her papers. Dan was already out the door and I followed quickly that I could catch him before he left.

"See ya", I called before the door was shut behind me. I didn't have to wait for her to answer me, not that I even had time, but she never answered either.

I ran after Dan who was already walking through the glass doors of the building. I was reaching my hand towards him, to grab him before I remembered what happened last time I did something like that. "Dan!" I just called for him then. He stopped, clearly annoyed again and turned around to face me.

"Are you alright?" I asked him for the second time today. "I'm bloody fine!" he shouted madly and whipped his arms out with his words.

"Come with me, will ya? Spend a little time with me and PJ. I'm just going to grab a few things from the shop and we can go", I proposed softly with a small, attentive smile. He already looked like he was about to reject my suggestion, but something seemed to change his mind when he finally, really looked at me.

"Okay", he answered coyly. I felt my grin spread to my ears and cocked my head to the doors as a spun to go. "Then let's go", I said when I turned around to face the streets. But before I did that, I think I finally saw him smile. I couldn't have been happier.


	5. You have to

"Shit! Why don't you fucking mo-move! Move! Fuck-ing! You piece of shit!"

Dan stopped in the doorway of Phil and PJ's bathroom and looked where he could around the flat trying to catch any signs of a started fight. But it seemed that PJ was the only one fighting if that was the case and there didn't seem to be any broken vases or records like usually if there did happen to be some kind of a fight.

Then he heard gunshots and was relieved that he even sighed.

PJ was just playing Call of Duty again.

Dan was kind of nervous to be honest. He felt like he was trespassing in their house even though Phil himself had almost begged him to come. But all the stupid shit he had done lately… he couldn't help but feel guilty. Even about just existing. Especially in their home.

But in a way, Phil was probably trying to fix their relations back up again. Trying to make everything cool between the musicians. But Dan's using was still a problem as he hadn't stopped as much as he has tried. It would always come in the way.

Dan really wanted to stop. But in a way he also didn't. Because he needed it. He needed the cocaine and the heroine to make him forget. For even just a few minutes or just a second. He was having a hard time being sober. The anxiety and the panic and all the shitty thoughts attacked him from every corner he passed, and drugs were the eternal straight hallway where nothing lurked in the light. Everything was almost good at those moments.

"Dan? Dan?"

Phil was suddenly in front of him calling him back to earth and Dan was startled for a moment.

"Oh, sorry. What did you say?" Dan apologized slightly blushing from embarrassment of looking like he was already high again. Oh God that was probably exactly what Phil was thinking of him. He had just gone to the bathroom and now he looked like he was somewhere where no one could reach him.

Dan could see it in Phil's worried blue eyes as they looked at him disappointed. And suspiciously.

"I was just in my thoughts, that's all", Dan quickly added and rubbed his arm nervously. Why couldn't he act normal and truthful when he was? Instead he looked like a criminal.

"Okay. I was just wondering if you'd like to have pizza. I was just about to order some with PJ", Phil eventually said and swung his hand with a phone in it. Dan nodded twice with a swallow instead of trying to look more calm and normal. "Yeah, sure", he said and nodded once again.

"Okay. I'll call them then. Veggie, right?" Phil asked turning around to go to the lounge. "Yeah, thanks", Dan answered with a strained voice and followed him after a moment.

He sat down on one of the leather armchairs and fidgeted with the hem of his grey shirt. He watched PJ play on Playstation. He seemed really concentrated on it, but saved Dan a judging glance, when he sat down before returning to shoot some players. Dan swallowed painfully once again and let the awkward silence be filled only with the gun shootings.

Phil was sitting opposite to him and was talking quietly into the phone, telling them their orders: "Yeah, one pepperoni with just a little bit of cheese, one veggie and one sausage pizza with jalapenos, please. No, I think we're good with that. No, no, that's enough. Fifteen minutes? Cool. Thanks", and then he hung up. He put his phone on the table and announced that their pizzas would be here shortly. He just got two, simple "okays" back and the thick silence was back.

"So… Dan, is aa… life, uh, treating you good?" Phil asked really awkwardly and Dan almost cringed at that.

"Um… It's okay. Good", Dan answered loosely, but even that was a lie. Life definitely wasn't okay. Nor was it definitely good.

"Cool. Um… Well-", Phil was trying to think of something to say again, but suddenly PJ cut him off and set his controller on the table with a thud.

"You can't do drugs", he said firm and stern, looking straight into Dan's eyes with intensity that made him crumble inside. His hands started trembling.

"I-I know-", Dan said weakly, but PJ cut him off too.

"No, you really can't. The media already knows so hiding it is too late. It's giving a bad image of us and the police is going to start investigating soon with all the news about it and lock you up as soon as they find something from you. And we need you in this band. You're the singer. And most importantly, you're our friend. We can't let you ruin yourself and us as well. That's not right. We can get you some help, but we can't make you quit. You need to do that yourself. Do you understand? This has been going on far too long. You look like shit, man", he said strongly looking straight at him the whole time.

"I-I'm sorry PJ. I really don't want to harm anyone, but…", Dan shook his head, not finding any words. He hid his face in his hands he leaned on his knees.

"Why did you even start doing them? When? How?" PJ asked. He might have sounded really rough, but this was the tough love he knew he had to give to get Dan to stop. He didn't want to see his best friend hurting himself and also them at the same time.

"I, it was after Madison", he said with a sigh. He felt like he was giving up. It felt horrible because he didn't want to explain, that hurt. But also it felt good to start to let it out. To let them know that he wasn't doing this just for fun.

"Who's Madison?" Phil asked confusedly. "No, Phil. Madison Square Garden", PJ said with an eye roll. "Oh…" he realized with big eyes, feeling a bit stupid.

"I tried something at the after party or whatever it was, at the hotel. Chris and Phil were there too."

"Oh yeah! Oh…", Phil remembered but then remembered.

"So, someone just offered me it and I was just kinda pissed off so I tried it. It just… it made me care less. And I needed that, so I needed it. I asked for more from the guy the day after and just got hooked. I mean, it isn't even that good for me. Like it doesn't fit me, cus I always throw up afterwards, but for the moment, I'm good", Dan told them, not looking up at them, but at the ground. He was ashamed.

"Okay…Well, Phil, why the hell didn't you try to stop him?! Or Chris!" PJ burst out after thinking through what Dan said.

"I did say to him not to do it! But I think I was the one who made him angry and he did it still!" Phil said trying to defend himself.

"I wasn't really that angry at you, I just was, but you kind of did set me off. But it isn't his fault, it's entirely mine."

"Yeah, but someone should have made you not do it still, because we got a fucking deal about it. No one fucking does drugs! What did Chris do? Didn't he say anything?" PJ was almost red at this point. He couldn't imagine that even with two of the band members and close friends of Dan where there, they didn't stop him when Dan was in that moment of stupidity and wanted to try drugs.

"He was just strumming on his guitar the whole time. I think he's a bit mad at Dan or something actually. I don't know what makes him act so indifferent or cold towards him though. I mean, Dan hasn't done anything to him. Have you?" Phil said. "I don't think so", Dan added.

"I think we should ask him about that later. We can't have silent anger between us. It needs to be sorted out. That's what makes bands usually break up", PJ said like the wise man he is. "But first, we need to get you clean, Dan. Are you ready for that?"

Pause.

Dan doesn't know. He really doesn't. He wants to stop of course. But can he? Drugs give him the freedom he doesn't get in real life, how can he lose that? He will go crazy if he doesn't get a fix in the next five hours, how could he just quit entirely? He won't survive.

"I want to be ready. But, but I don't know if I am", he answered quiet and sad.

He could see his friends' faces fall.

"Then I don't know. We can't let you continue using either. Tour is coming up too…", PJ mumbled and broke his gaze from Dan for the first time after their talk and stared at the floor instead. Phil looked worriedly at PJ, knowing what was to come next.

"Rehab? Are going to force me to go to rehab otherwise?"

"What else choice do we have, Dan?" PJ asked.

"I-I… I will stop. I will. I'm stopping."

"What? But can you? On your own?" Phil asked his eyes wide with wonder.

"I won't go to rehab. Never. But if you can't have me any other way, then I guess I'll just have to stop", Dan said, accepting his fate. PJ stared at him waiting for a clear answer. "I'll quit", Dan said looking back at him.

"We'll be there for you", Phil said and PJ smiled at last.


	6. Our music

Some weird porn references here, I don't know. And language and drug mentions as always.

* * *

Dan's been doing great. He hasn't touched a pill in the last month. And he's been gone from the tabloids with those awful rumors too. Of course there were always rumors about him. Some not so nice, but there are some about me too. But at least there weren't any more pictures of him looking like he was completely out of it. He's been staying with me and PJ so that we could make sure he wasn't getting anything and such.

Sure, the first week was terrible for him. He was shivering and shaking like he had a high fever, but really he was clammy cold. He kept throwing up and he was so pale. He couldn't sleep so he had dark circles around his eyes. I didn't know he was in so deep and would have such a bad withdrawal, but I guess it is what it is. I wish it wasn't though. I didn't want him to feel so ill. But I knew the temptation to get a fix was much worse than how he was feeling. We wouldn't let him go out alone and wouldn't leave him in the flat alone. For his benefit.

I lounge on the sofa with his head on my lap. I ran my fingers through those brown locks absentmindedly. We were watching some crappy TV-shows on silent. Jamie Oliver was on presently.

We have been doing this quite a lot lately as odd as it might be between two guy friends. But we're both very okay with it so it's fine as strange as it might look to other people. The first time it happened was during those first few God awful days of withdrawal. I had found Dan on the sofa trembling under the many woolen blankets we had and he looked so sick and miserable that I couldn't help but come comfort him.

I had made him tea first and he had sat up for it and I had sat down beside him. But it seemed like the tea had made him sleepy and he had started to lean in further into my side, his eyes drooping closed, and so I wrapped my arm around him and laid him on my lap so he could properly rest. He had been a bit confused, but more than that he was tired so he could not care to protest. Then I had just wanted to do something and I began to card my hand through his surprisingly silky and fluffy hair.

This just repeated itself until it became a custom thing for us to do on a lazy afternoon. Dan didn't even feel that bad anymore or he wasn't so cold, but I liked to cover him in soft blankets and let him become a blankety caterpillar. To be honest, I quite enjoyed spending time together in comfortable silence with him and watch cooking shows and imagine all the things we could do if things were different.

_Wait._

What did I mean with that? Like what kind of things I wish we would do together if it was different? Play more just the two of us? Just hang out more? Or sleep together? And when things would be how? Him not being an addict? Not going on tour? Being fucking famous and having to come out to everyone? Wait, come out?!

Okay, I'm not going to get into what my brain happens to come up with during these moments close to him. They are just brain-farts from reading too much Yaoi.

_Yeah_... I read Yaoi sometimes. It's my guilty pleasure. Everyone has one, so you can't judge me. At least it's not tentacle porn.

"Phiil? Daaan?" I heard PJ suddenly yell. He had been out with Chris and they were going to come over so that we could maybe sort a few things out. Like what he seemed to have against Dan suddenly. He had been acting all weird for quite the while now, when they thought about it. "Here!" Phil answered, but stayed in the same position. Dan turned around slightly and furrowed his brows at Phil in bewilderment.

"We brought nachos!" he announced excitedly when they arrived to the lounge. PJ flopped down on one the armchairs and Chris sat down onto the other one, but more hesitantly. He kept looking at Dan with a strange expression on his face. Like he couldn't understand something. Maybe the fact that Dan was lying on Phil's lap. PJ threw the nacho bag on the coffee table after having a few and still while munching he began talking.

"So, Chris is here, because _Chris_ is _our_ friend. Friends hang out together. But Chris is here also, because there seems to be some mishap between him and Dan. And today we're going to be sorting this shit out, okay? Let's begin. Chris, what's wrong?"

All gazes turned to Chris who shifted in his seat uncomfortably. Dan sat up slowly looking a bit distressed as well and stared at his constantly trembling hands.

"Well, uh... I don't have anything against Dan. He's my friend. But, I can't say it doesn't slightly put me off how people constantly throw themselves at him and how he gets all the attention. It just annoys me. Sometimes it seems like we're just Dan Howell and the band instead of Fantastic Foursome", Chris admitted with a sigh at the end. He didn't seem to be proud of how he felt.

"Chris, but I don't want it to seem like that. You know how I hate attention, but I can't really change how people see us. Whenever there are photo-shoots, I never let them take pictures of just me, it's always the whole band. And I really don't think I get that much more attention than you guys", Dan tried to explain with eyes that begged to be understood.

"Fine. But it has felt like your whole addiction shit has just been you trying to get more of attention to yourself now that we've been off tour and it had lessened", Chris mumbled harshly, but seemed to instantly regret his words.

"Hey, shut the fuck up Chris! That's so disrespectful to Dan! Do you really think he got addicted to drugs just because he wanted attention? No fucking way! He's been all but trying to hide from the paparazzi and fans. No one wants to get hooked up and he's been fighting it off for weeks now, because he wants to be clean for us", Phil burst out angrily. He couldn't believe Chris right now. How dare he say something like that about his supposed friend?

"And weren't you there too, when Dan first tried it? And I remember you not saying anything about it. You clearly saw that Dan wasn't alright at the time and when someone offered him that shit, you didn't remind at all about how he shouldn't do it. For us or for him. What kind of a friend does that? Not caring shit about your friend? I was fucking there, Chris. Don't try and deny it!" Phil continued when he saw Chris trying to defend himself somehow. Maybe Phil was being too harsh now, but he felt strangely protective over Dan and he didn't even notice how he had wrapped one of his arms around Dan's shoulders, hugging him to his chest.

"If you were there too, why didn't you stop him then?" Chris attacked right back with a strong look. "I tried to stop him, but he shut me off. I know I should have tried harder, but at least I'm trying to help him now. But what have you done other than avoid him?" Phil asked. He felt Dan's muscles were tense. It was like hugging a rock almost. He tried to relax him by rubbing his arm calmly. Chris was silent for a few moments, Phil saw the wheels turning in his head trying to figure out how to get out of this situation subtly.

"Well, I'm here now", Chris finally said with a sigh and looked down to the floor. "Dan, you are my friend. I don't want to see you hurting. But I was hurting too. I was confused. I'm sorry", Chris admitted, sounding very honest and serious. PJ leaned towards him and patted his shoulder comfortingly. Dan's face brightened up a bit as he looked up to Chris and a small twitch tugged his lip upwards.

"It's cool, man. We're all good now", PJ said with a smile of success. Phil felt Dan's muscles relax again against him so he stroked his arm calmly to make it stay like that.

"Now, let's get jamming", PJ announced and rose his guitar off the floor to his lap with a smirk. And everyone else followed his lead, Chris drumming on the table and empty can beers, whatever he could find. Phil, now feeling a lot more at ease, picked up his bass from his room while Dan sat up properly indian style. PJ began strumming lightly, trying on some new chords and Phil joined in with some deeper chords. Chris picked up the rhythm and Dan started singing words he just felt were right. Now this was how they were and what they wanted. Cooped up in their cozy little flat and making music.

* * *

Sorry for the long wait. Isn't nice that things are finally coming back to good? I don't like it when there are too many secrets.


	7. On stage

"Are you guys ready? Let's rock this shit out!" Clive yells and throws his fist in the air. Dan cringes at his choice of words but it's something you can already expect from him. Clive's their some sort of a cheerleader. They don't know why he's with them at their gigs, but that is all what he basically does. He just shouts unneeded words of encouragement in the their ears and jumps up and down while they play. He's like their private fan or something. But he also does a lot of shit for them. For example he takes care of their instruments and goes buy them new guitar strings if some happen to break during the gig. He gets lunches and booze for them and leads fans to the wrong way, when they're getting too much. Okay, maybe Clive is needed, but Dan really hates the way he says some things.

Phil, PJ, Chris and Dan are all just sitting, well more like laying on the lounge couches at backstage all the while Clive is clapping his hands excitedly in the middle of the room. "Come on guys! You're playing in mere two hours! Aren't you excited at all? You've sold this place out! It's the first one on your tour!"

Dan shuts his eyes with a deep sigh and rests his head to the back of the sofa. Chris groans out and slaps his face with his hands. "Can you just shut the fuck up, Clive? We know we're gonna perform in two hours. We wouldn't be here if we weren't. And we're gonna perform on the stage for another two hours, so we're gonna need energy for that. But we sure won't have any if we start fucking losing our shit right here!" Chris bursts out and glares at Clive with such intensity it almost makes seem like Hell has frozen.

"S-sorry", Clive stammer looking a lot less excited now. Phil feels bad for the guy and stands up from the sofa crease and goes to him, tapping him on the back. "It's fine, Clive. Chris' just an asshole, let him be. Hey, why don't you go get some of those ham sandwiches and bring me one too. I'm kind of hungry", Phil says to him with a casual smile and raises his brow. Clive visibly calms down and lets out a breath he has been holding. He smiles at Phil and nods his head and goes to get the snacks. When he's gone, Phil turns around and goes back to his seat next to Dan and rests his arm behind Dan's head. Dan opens his eyes slightly to look at him with a soft smile.

"You're so kind", Dan whispers quietly to him. Phil almost has to ask him what he said, but then realises and just smiles. During the second hour, their black denim clad legs seem to tangle on their own and their sides touch while they watch _Fight Club _together with PJ and Chris. Oh, and Clive.

Then Keith comes into the lounge. As soon as he sees Dan, his eyes turn to ice and fire at the same time. "What's going on here?" he asks harshly and hostile. Dan immediately untangles himself from Phil's gentle grip and and watches Keith's tense form move with nervousness and fear. Keith sits right next to him and turns his gaze to the plasma screen TV that hangs on the red wall in front of them, pretending he meant that.

"Uh, w-we're watching Fight Club", Dan answers with a small voice. "Right", Keith replies with the same amount of harshness as before. He leans forward, elbows resting on his knees. After watching the movie for a couple of minutes in uncomfortable silence he states: "Well, this is just pure shit." Then he stands up again and turns to the band who looks like they were in discomfort. Like they are.

"You've got forty minutes until performing. Better start making sure everything works", Keith says. "Louise is here by the way. Wanted to see you guys while you're here", he informs. Louise is one of their best friends and helps them with style and photo shoots. She once wrote them a song too. She's a real bubbly and a funny persona that they just love. She comes in with some young man who looks like he's with the crew. "Hi guys!" Louise says, when she sees them. She goes to hug everyone. The guy stands next to Keith awkwardly with some paper sheet in his hands.

"Oh, and Andy here is gonna be the guy you complain about things. He's part of the staff and deals with the technical side of things. I'm going now. Remember, check your guitars!" Keith tells them before leaving with an awkwardly goodbye-waving Andy.

Dan hugs Louise the last and buries his head in her blond and pink hair that smells like safety. She sits where Keith used to be and takes Dan's hands in her own. Her blue eyes glimmer just like her eye-shadow and lipstick.

"Oh! I'm so glad to see you again! It's been too long", she says. "Yes it has", Dan agrees with a smile. He feels so much more at ease now. "How come you aren't in London?" PJ asks from opposite to her.

"I'm helping with a photo-shoot here and also I just have a meeting with the company I'm working for from London. We're talking about the new designs and such. I'm thinking of floral backgrounds and black, edgy clothes", she babbles with excitement.

"Oh, I know who you've got the inspiration from", Phil says with a laugh as he bumps his shoulder with Dan's. With flustered cheeks Dan tells Phil to shut up in the most loving way ever. Louise just giggles at the whole situation.

They mates continue chatting and watching the movie. PJ hooked up their stuff and made sure everything was right and secured. After half an hour they went to the stage and looked everything was okay there too. They had been there rehearsing the day before. Louise had a laugh on the stage and jammed by herself playfully, pretending to rock it out in her light blue dress and ballerina shoes.

Once everything was done, it already time to begin. They were backstage while the people came to the stadium. Louise wished them luck and they promised to see her soon. Keith ushered them to get a move on in his usually grumpy way.

Dan picked up his guitar, Phil his bass and made their way onto the stage where PJ and Chris already were. The crowd was cheering and acting as wild as ever. They were pretty used to it by now, but it always gave them a massive adrenaline rush. Phil walked on his spot next to Dan on the right side while PJ was on the left side with Chris behind the drums. It was normal for the vocalist to be in the middle, but Dan hated to be put right on the spot of attention so he stayed pretty close to Chris, slightly behind Phil and PJ.

Dan took the microphone from the stand and asked how everyone was doing. He saw no point in yelling, he was after all speaking to a microphone. Dan also had kind of a strange way of holding the microphone with his wrist that was covered in different sorts tribal bracelets bend a whole lot. He set it back on the stand and strummed the few starting solo chords on his electric black guitar. The crowd cheered louder when they realized which song it was in mere two seconds.

Soon the whole band was on it and began playing along enthusiastically.

_And when you touched me ah_

_I felt the tears on my hands, no_

_Squeezing them tight in me_

_Locking me up in, don't_

_Into to the dirt I went_

_Holding the keys in my lungs_

_Huffing out in blood..._

They continued through the whole night with the crowd being crazy. Some even trying to get on stage. One actually succeeded and tried to get to Dan. The guards weren't fast enough to get it under control, but they made the best of it. Phil lurked next to crazy fan and showing him his skilled playing and grinned widely. The fan was purely ecstatic and put his hands over his mouth. Dan went with it as well and went on the other side of the fan and rested his arm on his shoulder while singing.

_Wish I could tell them_

_That we were here_

_When they weren't _

_But who believes the truth_

_When the lies are so pretty..._

A bulky security guard came closer to them (finally) and signaled the fan that he should get off the stage. Dan took his arm off the fan and smirked at him and patted him on the back on his way out. The crowd just laughed at the whole situation. Then came the chorus and the white lights crazed them up. It was sweaty. It was perfect. Adrenaline was rushing in and out of their bloodstream. They were with the people. They were apart of them and so they were too.

Dan felt free.

Only now. Just now. He felt free. He could do anything. He could be himself. No one was pressuring him to do anything. No one was touching him but the millions hearts in front of him. He was happy.

* * *

Okay, I just made up some lyrics for this chapter so, um, I don't think I broke any copyright thing or anything. Pretty crap they were, but I'm no songwriter. Any way hope you enjoyed :3


	8. Fuck off

There is non-con in this chapter. If you don't want to read that then please don't. I can tell you what happened in a PM if you like. Also as always there is a lot of swearing. Don't swear kids. You can only use it in stories.

* * *

Our concert had ended just a few minutes ago and once again I couldn't find Dan afterwards it. But this time I had a clue of where he could be.

I went straight to Keith's door. I didn't bother knocking, but when I tried to open it I found it was locked. Why would he lock his door? There was no shower or toilet in there so that he would have to hide. It was no dressing room. I only had one thought in my head and that was that Keith was doing unspeakable things to my best mate.

I pounded my fist against the wooden door and yelled. "Open up, Keith!"

I didn't hear any footsteps approaching or any sound of movement as I tried to listen carefully through the door so I continued. "Come on, Keith! I know you're in there!" And so was probably Dan too, but I didn't there to say that yet. "Not now, Phil! Come back later!" he suddenly yelled then and then put a record playing on high volume. No way. I kept pounding. "No, I need to see you now!" I demanded. "Fuck off!" he yelled right back at me. Now I was really angry.

"I'm gonna fucking break this door if you don't open this God damn door right now!" I threatened. I saw a fire extinguisher on the wall close to me and picked it up. Keith didn't answer me in the five seconds I gave him. And so I hit the door handle off with the fire extinguisher and kicked the door open and busted in.

I almost wished I hadn't come in after all, but then I wouldn't have been able to stop the horrendous act happening before my eyes. Keith had himself on top of Dan and was buried inside him all the way, his hands holding Dan's in place against the couch. I couldn't really see Dan's face, but I saw that it was crunched up and his whole bare body was way tensed.

"What the fuck? Get the hell of him! What the fuck is wrong with you?!" I shouted. I barreled towards Keith and when he was out I took him out on the floor with a fist to the jaw. I then turned to Dan. I saw tears in his eyes and on his blushed cheeks. He had his eyes still closed tightly and hands now on his chest. There was a blanket over the couch and I took that and laid it over him gently. "Oh God..." I just kept muttering quietly to myself. I had had a hunch that something like this might be up, but it was way worse now that it was real and confirmed. "It's going to be all alright, Dan", I said to him as he curled up on the couch and pressed his trembling hands to his face. Choked sobs began to erupt from his chest. I rubbed his arm with my hand trying to soothe him, but he just cowered away from me so I let him go feeling disappointed and worried. I left him there when I heard Keith moving on the floor. He still had his clothes somewhat on. I grabbed him from the collar of his shirt and kicked him out of the room.

"Stay the hell away from Dan, you hear me! You fucking sicko! I'm gonna fucking report you!" I hissed at him. I didn't want everyone in here hear us, because I didn't think that was what Dan would have wanted. Then I shut the door in front of his horrified face.

"We're gonna get a new fucking manager. One who's fucking asexual all the way!" I roared to myself. But then I heard Dan whimper. I felt immediately bad for yelling so I went over to him and apologized. "Sorry, Dan. It's going to be alright now. He's fucking gone. I won't let anybody touch you, Bear. I'm sorry I couldn't get to you before. So sorry. But it's gonna be okay now", I kept telling him and gently laid my hand on his soft head. He slowly uncovered his face and looked up at me with those big chocolate brown eyes. I felt infinitely worse seeing the pain in them.

"So sorry", I whimpered with a harsh lump in my throat as my own eyes too began to water. I hugged him to my chest tightly.

oOo

Fucking piece of shit. Fucking finger-licking asshole. That asshole. How dare he fucking touch him?! What the fuck is wrong with him?! I want to fuck him up real good. How dare he even try to talk me over? And Dan too? He should be damned to jail for the rest of his time!

I stood with my hands folded over my chest by the wall next to the other guys, gritting my teeth, waiting for them to break.  
I had just told them what had happened. I told Dan that I was going to tell them beforehand. He didn't say anything so I took it as a yes. They needed to know. Keith would no longer be our manager and I was going to make sure he was to be put in jail for what he had done. The only problem was that were the court going to believe us and if Dan was up for it. These type of cases were really hard to go through with. Especially if it had gone on for a longer time.

I looked over to Dan who was now sitting on one of the lounge couches. It was closing in on midnight. He had resumed into the fetal position and seemed awfully quiet, but he was really calm. Maybe that was because of the cigarette he was smoking.

"Dan. Bear? Are you feeling okay?" I asked and knelt in front of him. He lowered his gaze on me, his brown eyes wide open. When he looked at me with that cigarette between his fingers slightly trembling, I could see he was very much still shaken. His parted lips were pale and he just looked scared all over, but in a very collected way. But I knew he was a real mess inside. And no wonder why.

"F-fine", he muttered and then dragged another breath from the cigarette. I pursed my lips at his lie sadly and just patted his knee. I didn't know what else to do. "You will never have to see him again, Dan. I'll make sure of it." Dan merely nodded and looked down at his knees where my hand still laid. "C-can you...?" he mumbled quietly and stared at my hand and I realized. "Sorry", I immediately apologized and took my hand off him.

"Okay, let's get to the hotel now. We can do this later", I decided and stood up. I offered a hand to Dan and to my surprise he took it, though he immediately let go when he was on his feet. We followed the guys out to the car. Luckily all the fans had gone by now as it was closing onto two in the morning. Also there were quite the few bodyguards around us.

We were staying at in quite the weird hotel. It was really fine, but avant garde and really 1920s, but the staff was real odd part of it. They dressed like from a whole other century that no one had visited yet. But I appreciate weirdness so it wasn't a problem. And the great (and slightly strange) thing about them was that they didn't look at as in any special manner. They actually seemed like they were pretty bored and used to everything.

We all were sharing a room. The biggest one in the building, the penthouse. As we walked through the long hallways, Dan smoked his cigarette with his other arm around himself beside me. His posture was terribly hunched down, but I could understand that. I just hoped it wouldn't last too long.

"Very cool. Very artistic", PJ commented on the room once we got in. There were some art work around the room which I thought they looked like they were authentic. And probably really expensive. I could agree with him more, but my mind was occupied with getting Dan settled in under the covers as soon as I could so he could rest properly. Fortunately we didn't have too much stuff as we weren't staying for too long. Only a couple days to rest for a while between touring. On Tuesday we would be back on the bus. Well, on the plane actually.

Chris and PJ just kicked back and settled on the sofas. Dan stood still in front of the door, dragging breaths from his shortening fag. It didn't look like he saw anything that was around him. I began to go in one of the bedrooms and asked Dan to follow me. I put the bags down onto the bed and that's when I realized it was a kind sized bed. Dan was behind me when I turned around. He looked pretty confused, but in his thoughts. I quickly went to check the other bedroom to see if there were separated beds.

No.

"There's no TV", Chris exclaimed suddenly sounding pretty frustrated. "How come there isn't a TV? There's always a TV in hotel rooms!" I went back to the lounge and watched as Chris was trying to find his laptop from the bags. "Hey guys, there are only two king size beds here", I told them. PJ looked at me dumbly.

"Well, let's just share. You share with Dan. What's the problem?" he said. "Yeah, but seeing as what had just happened to Dan, I don't think he would like to share a bed with me right now", I reminded him. "Or with anyone for that matter."

"Then just take the sofa. These are pretty comfy", Chris said and bounced on the red velvet sofa. Well, I guess that's what I got to do then. I just needed to get some sheets from somewhere...

"We can share."

I was startled momentarily, when Dan suddenly spoke up from behind me. I turned around to face him. "I mean if you don't mind", he then mumbled as he saw my baffled expression.

"No, no. It's not that, but I could sleep on the couch too if you want. It's no problem", I explained. Dan looked so small curled up in himself even though he was stood up. He had this terrible helpless expression on his face and I just wanted to hold him until he felt like he was safe. "I don't want you to sleep on the couch. It's fine. I'm going to shower now", Dan said and slugged over to the bathroom. I smiled slightly and turned back to the guys. I flopped down onto the sofa as I heard the shower go off. I sat next to Chris who had found his computer now. But he wasn't watching the Simpsons like he usually would.

"There's no Wi-fi", he murmured as we stared at the blank loading page. PJ gave a loud groan and threw his head back.


	9. Different

The next morning Dan was curled against me, his hair tickling the underside of my jaw. It only made me smile. He looked so peaceful and relax finally. I didn't want to wake him up, but we would need to get up soon anyway. Let him have some time to shower and get ready.

Dan turned around in my arms to his other side and now we were facing each other. He looked absolutely adorable. His lips slightly curved upside at the corners. It seemed like he was dreaming of something nice. His long, dark lashes laid softly against his pale cheeks and fluttered a little from time to time. I stroked his back with my thumb gently, my eyes beginning to shut yet again even though it was already nine am.

But that's when I noticed. I strained my sleepy eyes to focus properly on him; His nose. Otherwise perfect and straight now had a trace of white powder underneath.

Anger engulfed me straight a way, my arms tightened around him, my face changed from serene to rage, my blue eyes cold like ice on him.

Dan began to stir around as my grip tightened around him even more which I couldn't control anymore. I wanted him to wake up and face what a disappointment he had become to me. How angry he had made me. How much it hurt me to see him betray me and himself too. How could he do such a thing? After everything? He had been so well lately, why did he had to do it?

Brown eyes popped open and looked at me with confusion and as they recognized my expression, terror began to form in them. "W-what-t is it, P-phil?" he stuttered out. It broke my heart even more and made me reconsider my actions. I shouldn't be so tough on him. I need to realize that I'm just disappointed that he wasn't better already. And I felt bad for him. My eyes watered.  
I forced my expression to soften to merely sadness and loosed my grip on him.

"You just had to get a fix. When did you do it?" I asked him. Dan's hand flew to his nose immediately as he remembered and brushed desperately the remains of the cocaine or whatever it was from his nose. Dan looked at me apologetically and shrinking before my eyes, his hand still over his mouth.

"Dan, tell me. I need to know", I said to him firmly and took a hold of his wrist. He suddenly and incredibly fast bolted to the bathroom, hand over his mouth. Oh yeah, he had told me that they made him nauseous. I quickly followed him to the toilet where he was planted over it. I really felt bad for him now more than anything. I knelt beside him and put my arms over him and gently rubbed his back. Once he was done I got him a glass of water that he used to clean his mouth. He looked absolutely shattered, trembling hands holding his head, he looked at himself through the little mirror over the sink. Tears flowed from his eyes and I finally realized.

I hugged him to my chest. The soft fabric of his well-used, oversized t-shirt underneath my touch and it was on the shoulder patch where I dried my eyes.

* * *

The last few days of our tour we spent in the US. The last one would be in London. We now had a new manager and guess what, she was asexual which was kind of great. It had just kind of come up in conversation weirdly enough and I told Dan that. He had just stared at me, blinked and walked away. I mean, I couldn't have really expected much more from him really. He shouldn't have to be happy about such a thing. Be worried of being attacked by his manager. I still didn't know why he hadn't told any of us what had been happening if he didn't want it to happen. But I certainly wasn't going to pressure him to do such a thing either. I had asked him once, but the reaction I had got from him was so bad and it seriously frightened me so much that I hadn't dared to ask again.

We were going on stage in five minutes. Dan was no where to be seen and I was getting a little worried to be honest. I just hoped he was having a fix or something. He had promised not to do any more of it, but it was kind of hard to trust him anymore. Or his addiction at least.

"Where the hell is Dan? We need to get on stage soon", Chris grumbled thrumming his drumsticks against the wall. "I'm sure he will get here on time", I told him, but really I wasn't too sure. I was almost ready to tell Lisa, our new and very friendly manager that the show had to be cancelled.

But just as we were introduced on the stage and we were walking up the steps there, but still kind of waiting for our singer, Dan strode over to us. "Oh fuck", PJ whispered to himself and expressed out loud surely everyone's thoughts as we saw Dan.

Dan was wearing a black, very short, lacy nightgown with panties, thigh-highs with garters, black, shiny leather shoes and long lace gloves with ruffles at the end. He had also drawn two, black, long, horizontal triangles on both of his cheekbones. He tilted his head at us as if to ask us if we had any problem with him, but then again that wouldn't matter to him in the slightest. He was determined and confident which we didn't see a lot from him.

This was such a big change. I knew he wasn't okay. Especially after everything he had went through you would think he would wear multiple layers of clothes instead of basically taking it all off. "Are you okay, Bear?" I asked him as he passed me. He looked at me dumbfound. "Superb", he stated monotonously and continued walking.

Dan nodded at us that we should just get going as the crowd was going crazy once again. And good God did they go fucking insane after they saw Dan. So many cameras flashed at us. Dan wrenched the microphone from the stand and brought it to his mouth, but he greeted nobody. He simply strum the first chords of the song on his guitar and then we began playing, he mostly just singing tonight.

Dan was a completely different person tonight, his movements slow, seductive and incredibly sexy in those black lingerie. He was seducing the whole crowd of 9800 people, no matter what their sexuality was, they were completely drawn to him. Dan's singing was different tonight too. It was like molten sex. The words of the songs had different meanings now. His moans were higher and longer, his hands wandering over his body which made everyone just want to be those long fingers and escape between his creamy tights.

Dan walked around the stage, sometimes on his hands and knees. Sometimes he was over me, pressing himself to my backside and draping his arms around me delicately, singing into my ear, but so that everyone heard. I breathed a little heavier then.

It was so _good, _but so weird as well. I knew this wasn't Dan. This had to be some kind of a symptom of PSTD. I didn't like it one bit, because it made me so concerned about Dan, but at least the show went well still and it was definitely a treat to our fans.

But what would come afterwards, well, that was a whole other thing.


	10. Hook-ups

After the show, we went backstage again. We all just walked to the backroom together, but somehow, just as I was turning around to see Dan and talk to him about what the hell was going on with him, I realized he was gone. I tried to go looking for him, but our little energetic gumball Clive bumped into my chest and splashed beer on my shirt. I wasn't so annoyed about the shirt as it was probably going to the dumpster soon anyway, but more of Clive always getting on my nerves as much as I tried to keep my cool with him. I was the only kind person to him out of the band. But right now I didn't feel so fucking kind, because I needed to find my self-destructive best friend.

"Go away, Clive."

"Oh dear, I'm sorry Phil! I really didn't mean that to happen. Here, let me dry it for you. I can wash it if you like too. But it's probably going to leave a mark...", Clive began to ramble. I took a hold of the back of his hair and bent his head so he looked at me properly.

"Clive, fuck off! I don't care about the fucking shirt, I want you to get the Hell out of here. I never want to see your fucking face here ever fucking ever! No one does, so do us a big fucking favour like you always like to do and leave us the fuck alone, you little sticky shit!" I shouted in his face and yanked his hair back so he would get the point and move out of my way. I strode off so fast I didn't see his expression, but I was sure it was anything but happy. But I think PJ and Chris were silently celebrating. Right now I just needed to make sure Dan was okay.

I walked into our managers room by habit, but there was only our lovely little, or not so little, but quite large, manager. She was fricking tall. "Hey Lisa, sorry to bother you, but I was just wondering if you knew where Dan went", I asked her innocently. She looked up from her laptop and simply shook her head. "Sorry, nope. Better find him quick. The cars are coming in five minutes. Tell the others that too."

"Yeah, fine. Okay, _see_ ya", I said and got out, closing the door behind me. I walked the dim hallway. There was just one room that was the restroom. I looked into there, but there was just some random guy pissing there. I huffed beginning to get quite frustrated and anxious. But just as I was going back to the lounge, there he was, by the doorway. But with a stray girl with brown hair that was all over the place and dark lips. Her hair wasn't the only thing that was all over the place but her hands on Dan too. Dan looked like he had drunk at least five beers already and giggled with the girl by his side at some stupid joke she had said.  
"Why don't we find a room where I can do wonders on this sweet, little body", she whispered dirtily in his ear and squeezed his ass very obviously. He connected his lips with hers and cupped her dark skinned cheeks in his hands.

There was a strange pull inside me that made me want to go straight to the girl and rip her claws off of him and take him somewhere safe. Instead of acting like a lunatic again I asked him: "What's going on?" Dan's eyes focused on me and hardened. "None of your business. When are the cars coming?" he asked coldly. "In five", I said no bite in my voice, because I was so stunned by the way he acted. He smirked at the girl and they went outside to wait. I watched them go and then turned to the guys with confusion in my eyes.

"What was that just?"

"Dan's finally getting how this works", Chris chuckled while cleaning a piece from the drum set. He never fucking too anything seriously. PJ looked more worried and met my gaze. "I don't know, but I don't like it. It doesn't look good", he said. I ran my hand through my hair with a deep sigh. Fuck this was getting bad. I rubbed my eyes trying to fight a headache off.

"And I think I saw him have a fix with her", he added.

_That's it._

I went straight over to the parking lot, but there they were already getting in the car and speeding off. I watched them leave in frustration. The other car's driver waved at me to go inside. I glared at him and got back into the lounge to tell the others that we had to go. Hopefully I would get to Dan at the hotel, but I was seriously doubting it.

* * *

It became a thing for Dan to wear sexy lingerie on our gigs. It was weird, but people seemed to like that. We got more people watching us now as we were talked about on every magazine and news paper. Everyone wanted see the seductive oddball that Dan had become. You would think he would get called transsexual or gay for wearing women's lingerie even though I know everyone should be able to wear whatever they wanted to without getting questioned about it, but it was strange that no one in this society still did that to Dan. Maybe they always knew that Dan was pretty edgy and daring. Though that wasn't really the Dan I knew from before.

Also, I knew that this wasn't healthy for him. Nobody else knew what had happened to Dan, but we did and we all agreed that this strange act had to be derived from that incident. It couldn't be a good way to deal with it.

After every show Dan also hooked up with lots of people. They got to a room and did God knows what. There were usually three girls that were hanging off on him, sometimes guys too which was kinda daring for his situation as well. I could have imagined it being harder for him to be with guys after Keith. I just hoped it would stop after the tour.

Tonight was the last gig for a while. Dan was dressed in sexy red. Even his lips were dark red. We didn't mention it anymore as there was no use. His thigh-highs were sultry black still. I couldn't help myself from looking at him. I think I bi, so of course him looking the way he did made me feel a little bothered, but what could I do? He was my best friend. No way was I going to come onto him. Besides what he needed was a friend, not a hook up. I didn't want become a one night-stand either.

The music sounded good. We played well. The crowd was crazy as always, but especially now that it was the last gig of our tour. The next planned tour was probably in three years time. So it would be quite the long time.

Everything was going so good. Dan was on the jut of the stage between the audience singing his heart out. But then someone from the crowd reached their hand out to Dan with the hundreds of others, but this one managed to properly touch him. It properly like _stroked down_ Dan's right leg all the way from his thigh to his ankle. It might have not been that big before and Dan wouldn't have done nothing else than walk away, but not this time. Something snapped in him.

"_Don't fucking touch me!" _he sneered at the guy half way through the song and kicked his hand away from him. It was a real kick too. And only after that Dan walked away next to us. His singing was colder, more vicious. But I don't think the others could really hear that fortunately. But I knew Dan and I could hear the minor change in his tone. The crowd still saw what happened.

Thankfully it was over soon. Overall I had enjoyed it as the rests of the people, but my concern for Dan's well being was only heightened.

Once the show was over we thanked everyone and such and went to backstage. I waited for Dan to get his girls or guys and get into a room with them, but this time he came with us to the lounge. I had laid down onto the sofa and I had to make room for Dan to sit.

"Are you alright? I saw that guy like... touch you", I told him and decided to properly sit up and face him. This could just be the moment he would spill the beans hopefully. "I'm fine. He was a jerk, but I'm fine", he snapped at me, not looking at me but the wall.

"You don't seem fine. I think we should talk about everything that has-", I tried to suggest but Dan cut me off. "When I say I'm fine, Phil, I'm _fucking_ fine! Stop fucking harassing me with the questions, okay? I don't need your help!" he yelled and stood up. "Dan, please. You're clearly not. I'm not trying to harass you. But you do need help you wanted it or not", I admitted to him and grabbed his hand gently. "Please, Bear", I pleaded.

I saw hesitation in his brown eyes that were turned into a frown. But the frown was beginning to break, but his eyes were beginning to water and lips quiver. I took a hold of his other hand too and begged him to understand with my eyes.

"I don't want you to hurt. Please, let me help you, bear", I told him quietly. I stepped slightly closer to wrap him in a hug, but just as I was doing so, his eyes turned cold instantly and the vulnerability on his face got hidden behind a harsh expression.

"No. Leave me alone."

That night with Dan's hotel room was next to mine, I heard bed creaking till four am.


	11. Outrage

It was just me and PJ again. The flat was covered in slight dust from not getting cleaned in a long time. I wished that PJ would have helped me dust everything off, but he said he would get the groceries while I cleaned. But that was still a bit unfair as I had to work the whole flat while he just bought some food. And at the same time, he left me alone with my thoughts. And they were jumbled. I tried to focus on cleaning and other things, but my thoughts always still went to Dan.  
I had to turn on the radio on full volume to stop myself from thinking about him.

I had managed to clean the kitchen and the lounge and was going for my bedroom when PJ got back with two full bags of groceries. He kept groaning and huffing as he piled the food on the counter. I dragged the hoover over to my room. "PJ, can you clean your own room and the bathroom after I'm done?" I yelled to him and turned on the hoover again and began numbly bringing it to different corners of the room. "Sure!" he yelled back to me from the kitchen over the shitty pop music.

When we were done cleaning we had lunch on the one and only balcony of the whole building. It was a really shabby balcony, but at least it didn't crack under us as we ate our chicken flavoured noddles.

"I got a call from Mandy and she said that we got interviews tomorrow afternoon at the Plaza", PJ muttered as he slurped on the soup. "Oh... Did she call Dan and Chris too or do we have to?" I asked looking at the grey, but not raining, sky.

"Yeah, she did. Hopefully they will be on time this time", he mumbled and put down his bowl. "Yeah", I merely agreed and watched rain beginning to pour.

* * *

I slumped down on the posh looking couch in the hotel room. Chris and PJ were there too and all the interviewers down the hall waiting impatiently. Our manager Lisa was tapping onto her laptop by the window. We would be ready to start, except Dan was missing.

"I'm gonna try calling him again", I said and stood up with a sigh. "He's not coming, is he? He's just getting fucked in some back alley probably and snorting coke. What else can you expect from him anyways?" Chris muttered and stood up to go to the door that led to the hallway. "Let's just start the interviews without him. We'll say he's really ill or something. Which is true in a way."

"Just shut the fuck up, Chris will ya? It's clear that you're still green as a cucumber of Dan. But if I was you, I'd stop that right away. Would you really want to be him? Messed up in the head and addicted to heroine? I doubt you would", I shouted at him and tapped on Dan's number once again to call him.

"Fuck off", Chris replied annoyed and shut himself in the bathroom. "Wanker", I said under my breath and pressed the phone to my ear.

_The number you're trying to reach is out of order, please try to..._

I threw the phone on the sofa and covered my face in my hands.

Then abruptly the door flew open and who other than Dan came stumbling inside. His old ripped jeans and shirt paired with a dusty leather jacket and round sunglasses and a strange man's arms around his waist he came laughing over to the sofa and practically fell onto it. His leg came in PJ's surprised lap and the weird stranger, though admittedly handsome and bulky he was, sat on the corner of it and with a beer in hand started chucking as well.

I approach them with a clear look of unbelief and betrayal on my face. "What the Hell? What are you doing? Are fucking high? And who the fuck is he? Get off! Get the fuck out of here!" I yelled at the now confused pair and chastised the stranger away.

"Heyy, what are you doing? No, Harry, come back! I'll call you later... Phil!" Dan looked at me like he should be the one stunned. "Dan! Have you taken drugs just now?" I asked him and took off his glasses to see if his pupils were dilated. They were slightly, but it seemed he was coming down from it. "I can't believe you", I mumbled and sat down next to him. PJ sat up straighter and gave a stern look over to our intoxicated friend between us. "Dan, we're going to do multiple interviews today and you took drugs? Man, that's so irresponsible. How can you do this to us? You promised that you would quit it. Now we have no choice."

Suddenly Dan seemed much more attentive. "What? Have no choice but to do what?" he asked as he took his sunglasses back and put them on his face which he then pushed in front of PJ's. "Take you to rehab of course. If you aren't going to stop willingly right now, then we'll have to make you", PJ explained in a calm tone like he was talking to a child. I knew how much that could annoy people and it seemed to work well for Dan too.

"Oh, you think you're so smart, but guess what PJ, you aren't! You have no fucking clue what's going on, so stop acting like you do!" Dan shouted and stood up to tower over us. He was obviously trying to appear bigger and better desperately as he wasn't in that state at all. Sometimes I wondered what was the point when everything really went wrong. Was it just that night at the dingy old hotel room when someone offered Dan cocaine the first time or did it begin much earlier when Keith pushed himself onto Dan?

Now Chris came out of the bathroom that he heard the yelling and seemed to settle on watching it from afar rather than getting into it himself.

"I want none of your fucking pity care or what the Hell you're drowning me in! I can handle this on my own!" he screamed so that he shook in front of us like he was just trying to hold back in the punches he so wanted to strike against our faces. Lisa came behind him and grabbed his arm and side gently to pull him slightly away from us, but when she touched him Dan literally jumped away from her like she had just burned him.

"Don't touch me!" he cried to like he suddenly got very scared and cowered over to the wall. Now the anger had started to fade in me and worry took place instead. I walked slowly over to him with my hands up slightly as to show him I wasn't going to harm him. "Hey, Bear, it's okay. Don't worry. No one's going to hurt you", I said softly. Dan trembled on his spot and looked at me pleadingly. "Why don't we go to the kitchen and I'll make you some tea. Let's just calm down for a bit, okay? How does that sound, Bear?" I suggested with a kind smile hoping he would agree.  
After a while he slowly nodded and I led him to the kitchen that was separated from the lounge. I was very fortunate right now of Lisa always getting suites for these things.

I sat Dan down next to the mahogany table and went over to the actual kitchen and boiled some water and tried to find some teabags. I mean, they had to have so tea in a London Plaza right?

I listened to Dan's ragged breathing as I found us some cups and a sole black teabag and some brown sugar. I concocted us the tea and laid Dan cup on the table in front of him and sat opposite to him. "I don't know if it's any good, the tea is probably expired", I mumbled as I blew on it.

Dan looked down at the table, his trembling beginning to calm down. I watched him swallow and his hollowed cheeks tighten with his jaws. "Phil..." he whispered out unexpectedly. "What is it?" I asked still keeping my soft tone.

"I do want to stop, you know... It's just... so hard", he said quietly and weighed his head down even lower. "I understand that Dan. We all do. That's why you should let us help you quit. You should come back to stay at mine and Pj's flat for a while again. Sort things out, you know. This time we'll have a break from work afterwards so that you won't get stressed and we'll get you to properly heal. We'll get to the roots of this", I said to him, trying to console him. Dan looked at me like a small child. I stood up and walked over to him and wrapped him in my arms. Dan's arms immediately looped themselves around my neck and his sobs were hid in my chest. We'd get him better this time. We had to.

* * *

Happy new year's eve! Things to remember: Don't be sad, you'll find someone to kiss some other time. You'll always do just as well for yourself.  
If you believe you're beautiful, no one has to tell you you are and you don't have to worry about how you look, because you know that you are beautiful no matter what. Seriously.

That's all. Goodbye for now!


	12. At the Grammy's

Okay guys, there is a non-con scene in this chapter. Please beware of that and do not read if it makes you uncomfortable!

* * *

Dan, slightly involuntarily, came back to live with me and PJ for a while. PJ seemed okay with it. He knew that this was a better option to rehab so he complied. He too wanted to be there for Dan and even Chris came around sometimes. He still showed a bit of resentfulness towards Dan for God knows what.

But things were actually seeming to get better. There was a lot of hullabaloo about their tour and how Dan had been acting. There were a few snapshots of Dan going out with all kinds of people and rumors about doing all kinds of things with them after shows, but it was all in the past now and either way, they were merely rumors. And Phil didn't read those kind of papers anyway. But it sometimes seemed as if the news had lowered their reputation as well.

Dan stayed in Phil's room now so that someone could watch over him at night too. It was a hard time for Dan, but Phil was proud of him. They all were. Once Dan even visited his family back at Wokingham when he was having a better day. Phil thought that was a really good thing for him.

Then the Grammy's were coming up. They found out that they had been nominated for a few awards which they were happy about of course, but now they would have to get to USA again while Dan was still recovering.

Phil promised to stay by Dan's side at all times so that he wouldn't have to worry about getting tempted and Phil wouldn't have to worry about that either.

The travel to Los Angeles was pretty peaceful minus the paparazzi and crowds of people swarming around them taking pictures as well as screaming. It also seemed they really loved the new bromance Phil and Dan were sharing with the public eye with Phil's arm almost every time around Dan's waist, guiding him through the people and all that. But it wasn't something they had really planned or wanted to show no matter it being a pretty natural thing, but still they were private people and didn't do very well with showing publicly affection towards anyone.

But right now it seemed like the only way to go or otherwise Dan would probably fall down from people pushing him yelling at him or his social anxiety that had seemed to worsen whilst he was experiencing withdraws. Or maybe when his only anchor to the real world was Phil. Never-mind what the reasons were, but all Dan wanted was to take Phil's hand and let him take him through the necessary abundances so that he didn't have to think about anything but the warmth of his body and the musky but minty scent of his neck. Sometimes coffee was mixed with as well as a hint of cigarette smoke.

"Hey Dan, so your new album the _Saturated Needs, _can you tell us something about that. How did you come up with the songs for that album?"

There were actual, professional questions that had something to do with his work which he was delighted to answer because he loved to talk about music, though right now even that task felt a little heavy on his head with some tremors running through his hands. He simply leaned on Phil who would talk to another interviewer.

Then there would be real, stupid questions that had nothing to do with his work but his personal life that he did not want to talk about at all never-mind with some gossip magazines.

"Do you confirm the drug-abuse? What about the hook-ups after the shows? Did you start wearing those clothes on your concerts to get more attention to yourself, do you want to become a solo artist?"

Sure, Dan understood that people might be interested in those type of things, but it didn't mean it was something that was polite to ask. Especially at the Grammy's. He would just shook his head and walk away with a tug on Phil's hand and they were off again.

Thankfully they soon got to the somewhat safer position of being inside the ceremony room. Still there were some people with too curious eyes and questions swarming around them like an angry herd of bees.

Dan picked on the plate of cheese and only ate the grapes which seemed to bother the other ones. "Hey, I'm vegan and hungry! You can eat the fucking cheese", he grumbled at PJ who wanted to eat some of the grapes too. He just laughed at Dan and managed to get one dark grape between his lips. He wiggled at it in Dan's face tauntingly saying 'haa-haa' as well as he could. "Oh no you don't!" Dan retorted and went in with his mouth and snatched the grape from PJ with his teeth. Their lips obviously touched for a second but they just laughed about it though PJ did groan about it half as much.

And just as sufficiently someone had snatched a perfect picture of the moment.

Poison &amp; Antidote nicely won the best album and band of the year which was great. PJ even gave Dan a kiss on the cheek when they were on stage to really show anyone who hadn't been sure if the earlier one had been just a joke or a real one.

Dan and Phil ditched the after-party almost as soon as they had got there. Just to greet the people who had wanted to talk to them for a while. Dan didn't feel like he was really up for it and Phil wanted to see he would be alright and just spend some time with him anyway. They headed back to their hotel and mainly played around with the one guitar that they always brought with them everywhere in case some tune had caught up in their ear. The guitar's matte black colouring was beginning to seriously face from all the scrapes from all the hits and bumps it had received over the years.

"I need something to drink. Do you want a beer if I'll go buy one at the store? I'll get some crisps as well", Phil said when he started getting the munchies.

"Do you think they have Maltesers here?" Dan asked as he picked on the guitar. "I can go see, but I do doubt it. You'll stay here won't you?" Phil asked then slightly apprehensively. He didn't Dan to get the wrong idea, but wasn't that idea that right one still anyway? He was concerned that Dan would go and somehow get drugged in some alley.

"Yes, I'll be here, you spork. You don't have to worry so much", Dan chuckled in the surprise of Phil. "I know. I'll be back in a few. Don't fall asleep", Phil said as he got his wallet and got out.

It had only been five minutes when there was a knock on the door. Dan hadn't expected him to go so fast. He jumped off the bed and went to answer it excitedly. But when Dan opened the door there wasn't Phil, it was Harry. The bulky guy who he had hooked-up with a long while ago and whom the others had thrown out.

Harry looked angry. There still was this glint in his eyes that told he was feeling something else too. He looked crazed, his dark eyes fixed on Dan's face. Dan was frozen to the spot unable to say anything. Harry simply burgled in now and slammed the door shut behind him. Dan winced at the sound withdrawing his arms to his chest.

"H-harry... Ah, what are you doing her-" Dan was about to ask when he had regained his voice, but Harry cut him off. "You didn't tell me you went to L.A. As a matter of fact you didn't tell me anything at all after that time when you had to go to your band at the hotel. What's all that about? You didn't think calling your boyfriend would be in order?" Harry snarled at him. Only now Dan realised how big and muscular Harry really was as he stomped closer to him.

"Harry, I'm s-sorry, but we w-weren't b-boyfriends. It was just a, a hook-up. I thought you knew tha-"

Once again Harry cut him off now with a growl. "A hook-up? That's all I was to you? After everything we did? Fucking hell Dan, this fame has really gotten into your head. You think you can just do that because you're in a band and shit? Winning Grammy's doesn't mean you can just kick everyone else away like they're rubbish. No, you can't! Someone needs to teach you how things are done in the real life", Harry said. He had taken a hold of Dan's arm in his big hand in a bruising grip and Dan howled in pain and almost sunk to his knees.

"That's a good bitch", Harry remarked as when he squeezed tighter Dan finally did. Tears were beginning to brim Dan's eyes as he realised where this could go. "Stop, Harry. Stop it! You're hurting me", Dan pleaded.

"Well you hurt me Dan! You better apologize to me for that. How many people have you_ hooked-up_ with after me, huh? How many, Dan?" Harry demanded. "None!" Dan yelled still in pain because Harry wouldn't let go of him.

"I don't fucking believe you. I've read about you in the magazines, Dan. Always somewhere out fucking whilst snorting up lines. You don't care who it is as long as you got someone fucking you and someone giving you the shit, am I right Dan? You little whore", the man snarled and threw Dan onto the bed.

"I saw that tattoo guy leaving your room just now. I bet you were fucking him too. I bet you just got his cock in that tight little hole of yours. You're such a fucking slut. But I bet you were wishing it was mine instead. All you would have needed to do is ask", Harry said as he jumped onto him, catching Dan's hands above his head, holding him there. The tears were beginning to flow over, down his cheeks. "No, no...", Dan whimpered through the hard lump in his throat.

"Well now you don't need to", Harry finished with a big grin.

Harry didn't take very long. Only about five minutes. He held Dan's wrists in his one hand and clamped his screaming mouth shut with the other one, all the while snarling slurs to him, telling him what a whore he was. Telling him he was just teaching him how to be polite. All that Dan thought about was how bloody far away was that shop and why had Phil ever left there.

After Harry was done, he simply left, throwing a twenty dollar bill on Dan's naked form with one last angry glare.

Dan even had time to drag himself to the shower where he scrubbed himself as clean as he could, trying to hold back the tears and eventually becoming numb. Phil came back while he was drying himself off in the bathroom. He came out, wearing a hotel bathrobe and sat down onto Phil's bed. He wouldn't be sleeping in his own tonight. Dan had to frown very hard so that he could prevent the tears from cascading down his face again.

"Hey, sorry I was so late. I thought the shop would be right there, but it was a couple hundred feet away. Then these couple hardcore fans came over and paparazzi. You don't even know how hard it was to find these after that", Phil said with a tired laugh as he threw the box of Maltesers on the bed next to Dan.

Dan felt like he was seriously going to fucking scream. He was going to fucking scream and cry and punch Phil with all his might.

Phil noticed that something was off once he had finally got his jacket off and sat down opposite to Dan on the sofa. "What is it, Dan? You wanted Maltesers right?" he asked confused.

"Yeah, thanks. I'm just not really feeling up to eating now after all. I think the withdraw is coming at me again", Dan managed to mutter out and stood up to get inside the covers. "I think I'll just go to sleep."

"Oh, okay. I'll just sleep in your bed then", Phil said frowning slightly as he capped off his beer. "No! Ah, you can still sleep... here", Dan said even though it came out more as a question. "Okay", Phil just said and dimmed the lights a little so that Dan could sleep. He wondered what had happened as he started going through the notifications on his phone.

* * *

/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/SAND_

This is what Dan was wearing at the Grammy's. It has nothing to do with anything really, but I did a whole lot for searching this specific picture because I had seen it before (in b&amp;w though in which it looks the best) and I just fricking loved it so much and I thought it would suit Dan in this case very well. So please go look at it. It's obviously the one on the left.

Anyway, otherwise this chapter was pretty bad, but it has something to do with what comes next. So just hang on there. It's always the darkest before the dawn.


	13. Broken

This is a hardcore chapter in a way so beware. Don't read if you're like not into that at all. I can tell you what happened in a nutshell later if you ask me.

* * *

The gang returned to London after the Grammy's. Dan continued to stay with PJ and Phil for the obvious reasons. But he found immense solace by getting to sleep in the same bed as Phil. It was comforting. The days rolled along the path of life and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. And that was exactly what Dan was looking for. Complete normality. If anything was too out of the ordinary, he would freak out. He would go hide in Phil's bedroom and read the same book he had been reading while he had been staying in their flat the first time, over and over again. Everything was the same. Everything needed to be the same.

But life wasn't like that. Not everything went through the same routine every day, that was impossible. There was always something that stuck out and that was what made the days memorable. But Dan didn't want that. There had been too many days too memorable, too easy to remember and relive, when all that Dan wanted was to forget them and focus on what was happening now.

Dan was sitting in the lounge with PJ by his side just having been finished playing Mario Kart. Now they were watching some old tv-show while Phil was making them pie. Yes, Phil had found his own solace in baking. It was equally as strange to PJ and Dan as to everyone else, but Phil just smiled when they shook their heads in disbelief at him.

"Come taste this! It's frick-fruck-fucking amazing, seriously!" Phil yelled when he was done. The sweet smell of cherry filled the room and allured Dan and PJ to follow Phil to the kitchen. There on the counter laid a round pie, looking like it was straight out of some baking cookbook.

"What the Hell..." PJ said under his breath as he stared at the pie with Dan. "I didn't even put any eggs or milk or butter in it so you can eat it too, Dan!" Phil sounded like a little kid on a Christmas morning. "Have a slice", he offered and cut two thick slices for each of them. It seemed one was missing already.

"I think I'm gonna throw up", Dan suddenly whispered as he stared at the red liquid spilling from underneath the crust. He felt bile rise up to his throat and quickly ran to the nearest toilet leaving very confused men behind him. "Does it smell bad?" Phil asked PJ worriedly. "No... Maybe it's the withdraws."

Dan threw up in the porcelain bowl with tears in his eyes. _Fuck... The cherry..._

Harry always used cherry lube. He absolutely reeked of it, so much he had sex. Dan never liked that, but he didn't mind it before. He didn't think he would mind it now, but look where he was now. Dan came back up with a quivering bottom lip and washed his face with cold water. "Get yourself together", he told himself looking at the mirror.

He got out, passed Phil and PJ in the kitchen. "Where are you going? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just fine. I need a little fresh air. I'll be back soon", Dan said with a sigh and shut the door behind him. It was raining outside and Dan didn't have a jacket or anything, but he couldn't care less. He walked down the pavement eyes fixed to the ground and arms around his middle. Without even thinking about it he found himself in a very familiar place. It was a bar, but not just any bar. It was a cocaine bar.

There were people getting fixes on every possible surface even though it was just three in the afternoon. Ryan by the bar where he was weighing some of the stuff greeted him. "Hey Dan! Long time no see. Looking for the usual? We have some new stuff as well. This is real pure, I can tell you", Ryan said as he bagged some of the powder in a small plastic bag and served it up to some man with bloodshot eyes.

"Uh... No, I don't have any cash with me", Dan said in a quiet voice. He was dripping wet, completely soaked through by the rain, but more than that he was bewildered on how he had got there and how much his hands were shaking now but not from the rain.

"It's cool. I can put it on your tab if you like, not like you got a record of stealing from me unlike this gal", Ryan chuckled and pointed to the young woman by the bar who was smiling at him teasingly. "Oh come on, I always pay you back. Maybe not in cash all the time...", the woman replied with a wink. Dan shuddered from disgust. He definitely felt like he would need a fix. But he had been doing so good until now. Why was he still there? He should be getting the Hell out!

But just as he was about to...

Harry.

His hair was wet and dripping onto his leather jacket as he entered the bar. The first glance he gave upwards was locked straight with Dan. Good God, why was Dan's stress mechanism about freezing on the spot?

"Well, well, well... Look who's come back for more", Harry slurred as he took Dan's chin between his thumb and forefinger and looking at him hard in the eyes. "Wanna go for round two at the back?" he said and pushed Dan backwards. Dan couldn't get any words out of his mouth, but tried shaking his head as fear corrupted his brain. Harry just smiled, his arm sneaking behind Dan's shoulders and leading them to the back of the room towards the cubicles.

"Please", Dan whispered shaking his head desperately. Harry didn't seem to take any notice. "I knew my little slut would come back for more. Or were you waiting here for someone else to fuck you, huh?" Harry asked, his voice becoming even colder at the end of his sentence. "N-noo", Dan begged, but Harry seemed to take that just as an answer. He got them inside the cubicle which was actually rather spacious though dirty and littered with writings and drawings on the walls. Harry pushed Dan against the wall and pressed himself against him. "Good thing I bring this everywhere I go", Harry said as he got the lube out of his coat pocket.

Good fucking God, it was the whole reason Dan was here, escaping from the mere thought of it and now it was right in his face.

"Oh, and I know my little cocaine whore. Here's something for you too", he continued and took a small tin container that possessed tiny pink tablets inside it. He got one out and opened Dan's mouth, popping it in. Immediately Dan's head began to feel fuzzy and the noises became duller and colours swarmed in front of his eyes. "And now, let's fuck."

* * *

Dan ran. As soon as he woke up from the floor in the bathroom where someone else had already started doing their business, he ran. He ran as fast as he could. It had stopped from raining, but the roads were slippery now and Dan repeatedly kept falling, but he couldn't stop running. He was aching, but he couldn't stop running. Even when he got to the flat where there only was Phil at the moment, he didn't stop running.

Tears dripped down the sides of Dan's face staining the dried grey t-shirt. He quickly shut himself in the bathroom and let it all out. Uncontrollable sobbing and crying continued without a stop for a breath that he hid behind the noise of water filling the bath tub. He avoided the large mirror in front of him at first, but as he striped everything down he decided to torture himself by staring intensely at his reflection. His eyes were brimmed red with tears and his lips quivered, his whole body shook in the cold and wracked from the sobs emitting from his chest. Phil banged on the door. "Dan? Are you okay? What happened? Dan-"

_Dirty whore!_

Dan shook his head pitifully at the mirror. Pleading apologies from himself on the other side. The tub was almost filled and Dan remembered the bleach in the lower cabinets. He took it out and brought it next to the tub before submerging himself in the hot water and shut the tap. He relaxed into the water first by it being so warm against his cold skin. But the words shouted inside his head continued and his muscles began to clench uncontrollably. He took the cleaning brush and poured bleach over it before starting to rub it violently against his skin, first at his forearms and gradually taking it to his thighs. He kept crying terribly and wished he could be quieter, because he didn't want Phil to keep banging on the door and desperately pleading him to open it, because he was so worried. He didn't want Phil's goodhearted intentions and concern. He didn't _deserve _it. He _had_ to do this!

_I'm so dirty. So dirty... I can't get it off!_

Dan took out the bleach and poured it over his back and relieved in the way it stung against his rubbed pink, pale skin. Surely this would get all the dirt off of him. He kept scrubbing desperately with the brush and cried out harder as he reached his bottom. He felt so ashamed. His skin was red raw.

"Dan, step away from the door, I'm going to break it down!" Phil yelled through the door and started banging his whole body against it. Dan screamed at every thrust against the wooden frame and how Phil would soon see the awful, shameful mess he had become. He will hate him so much now. He will never want anything to do with him once he sees him. He will start to resent him just like the rest of them and himself.

Eventually the door fell flat against the tile floor with a loud crack and Phil burst in. "Oh God, Dan. Oh no, you didn't put bleach in the water? Oh God... No, no, it's alright. It's going be alright. Step out of the bath, there, good, here we go."

Phil got in full action as soon as he saw the state of Dan. He picked the shaking boy out from the bath and stood him in the middle of the room while he drained the water from the bath. He turned around to examine Dan. His pale complexion was now pink from the neck down. Especially his arms and legs which he had scrubbed so hard. Phil cursed under his breath from being so stunned and just incredibly horrified. He would never be able to leave Dan alone ever again.

"Okay, the water's gone now. Let's get you showered now. Good. Just like that. Is the temperature good? Too cold? Good. I'll just use this unscented body wash, but tell me if it stings. There we go", Phil rambled on as he carefully washed Dan in gentle touches with green tea body wash. When Dan didn't complain, he proceeded to use some shower lotion, hoping that it might help with the burn. When he was done cleaning the broken boy in front of him, he carefully lifted him from the bath and wrapped him in a soft, fluffy towel and very carefully drying him, trying not to drag the fabric on the skin but patting it softly.

Phil was very much past the fact that Dan was completely naked in front of him. The only thing he was thinking about was getting him help.

"Okay, let's get you to the bedroom. Good, sit here. I'm going to get some healing lotion for your skin. It looks a little irritated, but I'm sure this will help a bit."

Phil came back with Aloe Vera cream made especially for irritated skin. Phil took the towel off of Dan and began lathering the substance all over his skin. Once he got to his feet, he realized there might be one place that Dan might have touched too. "Can you please stand up for me a second", Phil asked keeping a collected facade on himself for the both of them.

He tended Dan's bottom as well, carefully and feeling like he should hurry for Dan's sake who kept crying on and on against his neck. Phil completely understood it. Well, actually he didn't, but he knew the best would be if Dan would let it all out.

Once everything was done, he seated Dan back on the bed and ordered him to lie down for a bit. He got out his phone and called a doctor in the hallway. He needed to know if there was something else he could do or should he bring Dan to a hospital. He explained the situation rather vaguely, simply saying that a lot of bleach had got all over skin. The doctor said that it was good he had acted as fast as he had and cleaned it off as soon as possible. He only instructed to buy a certain type of healing cream from the drug store that would help with the irritation better than normal lotions.

Phil was incredibly relieved after hearing that and thanked the doctor and went back over to Dan. The poor boy was still sobbing, his face buried into the pillow now and whole body curled in a ball under the covers. Phil carefully sat down next to him on the side of the bed and apprehensively reached a hand to rest on Dan's shoulder.

"It's alright now. You're going to be fine. We can talk tomorrow more, but I need to know right now if you're hurting somewhere if we need to go to the hospital", Phil said gently. "N-no!" Dan whimpered and tucked his chin closer to his chest. "Shh... That's good, Bear. It's alright. Can I lay down next to you here? Here we go. Do you want me to turn off the light? Yeah, let's go to sleep now", Phil mumbled as he laid himself onto the bed next to Dan but a comfortable length apart so that he could have his own space. Phil turned off the bedside table lamp and they were left alone in the dark.

Phil knew that this would be a really rough night and neither one of them would probably sleep at all, but he was trying to normalize things the best he could. He needed Dan to feel okay-er at least. He gently placed his hand on Dan's blanket covered shoulder again and moved his thumb to create some motion of comfort.

"It's okay, Bear. You can go to sleep, it's alright, I'm right here", Phil whispered throughout the night.

* * *

Hope that wasn't too bad for anyone. I'm always here to listen if that made you feel uncomfortable in any way.


	14. Slow day

Phil told PJ what had happened. Very vaguely though, because he didn't want to freak him out too much or spill all of Dan's secrets on him suddenly and without Dan's permission. He just needed to make the situation somewhat clear for him. He asked PJ to look after Dan while he went to the pharmacy to get the healing lotion the doctor had ordered him on the phone. Dan hadn't had that much time to soak in the tub fortunately so the damage was supposed to be minimal, but it was crucial even the little was taken care of.

Phil went in to the pharmacy as soon as it opened and bought the necessary items with a hurried look on his face that seemed to make the pharmacist a bit nervous too as she bagged his stuff for him. He had bought some painkillers too if those happened to arrive.

He went back home as he could and practically ran through the streets before any fans could notice him and come up because right now he really didn't have the time for that.

PJ was sitting next to Dan's room's door which was closed. He looked up to Phil when he came over. "He won't let me come in", PJ muttered in a defeated and saddened tone. "PJ, you can't let him be alone right now! You don't know what he might do to himself!" Phil burst out terrified and pushed the door, but it was locked.

"Dan! Dan! Are you okay? Please, let me in! I've got the medicine here", he said loud enough for Dan to hear through the door. "Don't worry, Phil. He told me he was just going to sleep", PJ said quickly and got up to press his hand on Phil's shoulder. "You don't know that for sure, PJ!" Phil told him angrily but most of all worried for Dan's sake.

But surely enough Dan opened the door then after Phil's persistent knocking. He looked incredibly small for a 6ft tall man. He had a blanket wrapped around him and his hair was in front of his eyes. Phil sighed in relief after seeing he was alright. "Oh, good. I brought the lotion", Phil said and noted at the plastic bag in his hand.

"Ah thanks", Dan said quietly and was going to get it for himself, but instead Phil went through to his room and sat on his bed and started getting the stuff out of the bag. "C'm 'ere", he mumbled as he twisted the cap off of the lotion. Dan came towards the bed on unsteady feet and looked a bit hesitant. As he sat down and saw PJ still standing in the doorway the green eyed friend left them alone in privacy and closed the door. "I'll just go look through the emails that they sent...", he mumbled.

Phil got some of the lotion of his hand and looked to Dan expectantly. Dan turned to him gaze turned to the floor and let his blanket fall off of his shoulder. Phil slowly and carefully began lathering Dan's irritated slightly pink skin on his back with the cream. Sometimes Dan would hiss quietly and Phil would apologize him and try to be even more gentle if possible.

Once he got his torso done, he knelt in front of him and began doing his slender legs. Once he got to his thighs Dan said he could do the rest. Phil nodded with a small smile and when he got up he gently stroked his thumb over Dan's cheekbone who looked up to him with brown vulnerable eyes.

"I'll go to the kitchen and make some breakfast for us", Phil said and left Dan to his own devices for a while. He was sure he would be quite alright for now, but there was a lot of talking to be done afterwards. Phil met PJ in the kitchen and offered a reassuring smile for his worried friend. "I'm making some breakfast now. You want any?" Phil asked as he went to the fridge to get out some ingredients. PJ sat on the island and watched him cook. "Uh, sure. There's some coffee left from earlier still. Um... Phil?" PJ sounded hesitant. Phil knew what was coming but he wasn't sure what to say to it though. "Yeah?"

"What happened with Dan?" he finally asked and Phil stopped for a moment, the vegan pancake-batter having made just a small drop on the hot pan which started to soon smoke from the added silence Phil was giving before answering or picking the crisped batter off the pan.

"He... I'm- I don't think I have the right to tell you. You need to ask him yourself. But to be honest, I don't really know what's going on either. Dan's just, he's not well at the moment. I don't know if it's the withdrawals or what, but something's not right. I think we just need to let him calm down for a while and then see what's going on", Phil said, deciding to give Dan some privacy. He was certain that Dan would have a hard time having people know what he did but not being able to explain it yet.

"Alright. Yeah, that's cool. We'll let him take some time off and y'know, when the time's right, ask what's up. He does look quite shattered. I'm really worried about him, but I know you can take care of him. Just tell him that we're, like me and Chris are here too. We care about him too", PJ said and hopped off the counter smoothly. Phil turned around to face him and gave him a thankful smile for understanding. "Yeah, of course."

After that discussion, PJ got back to work and Phil served breakfast. He took Dan's plate to his bedroom. The boy was lying on the bed again, under the sheets and staring at the closed curtains of the window. "Hey Dan, are you awake?" Phil asked as he didn't see his face from the door.

Dan hummed with a slight nod and turned around. Phil set the plate on the bedside table and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I made some pancakes for you and here's some orange juice as well", he said and offered him the glass of juice. Dan took it and drank some quite greedily and the put it back down. "I'm not very hungry, to be honest", he said in a quiet voice which sounded a bit more clearer now still from having drank something.

"It's alright, but have a few bites to just keep you going, okay? You haven't eaten anything in a while", Phil told him and put the plate next to him. He watched Dan slowly cut a few squishy pieces from the pancake and put them to his mouth in silence. Phil didn't really know what to do now, but the silence wasn't exactly uncomfortable. There was just that feeling of having to ultimately ask the questions he was supposed to ask. Phil wanted to delay asking them as much as Dan, but they wouldn't be able to just brush the whole incident off. This had to be done. But not yet.

"How are you feeling? Is the lotion working?" Phil decided to ask after Dan eventually pushed the plate away from himself. He was still swallowing and just nodded, gaze down on the blanket. "Good", Phil said. "Um, what do you, uh, want to do now?" What a shitty question. Dan shrugged. "I don't know."

Okay, this was getting uncomfortable now, Phil thought. "Well, maybe we could like watch some movies today? Just chill and stuff. PJ's editing today so he's just in the house as well. He did say that he's meeting Chris today - something about the video. That sound good to you?" he suggested, hoping this was a good enough option.

Dan thought for a while but then nodded. "That's okay."

That was what they ended up doing then. They watched Kill Bill, some old episodes from series too like Buffy, Friends and AHS. Dan stayed wrapped in his blanket for the most part, nestled in the corner of the sofa. PJ watched the first movies with them, making some weird references from music and other movies before leaving off to Chris'. Phil made them some hot chocolate and lunch at one point. Dan seemed to a have a small appetite today though which slightly concerned Phil. But when he got the guts enough to fold his arm over Dan's shoulders it helped with his anxiety.

At the end of the day things went more fluidly than at the morning and they both weren't constantly on the edge of their seats. Phil helped Dan put some more lotion on his back when night fell. His skin wasn't red anymore, just slightly pinkish from certain areas. Otherwise it was already getting much better. They slept together that night as well but kept a clear distance between each other even though had a tingling sensation in his hands from wanting to hold Dan to his chest so bad. He respected Dan's wishes and needs too much to actually give in to the temptation even when Dan fell asleep and he was left awake. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes after looking at Dan's solemn expression a few minutes more and deciding that tomorrow they would just see what happens. He would not make plans before seeing the forecast first.


	15. Explaining

I'm sorry that the writing style seems to change constantly from one persons view to another. But yeah. I think there's only gonna be one chapter left and we'll be finally done. (Non-con mention in this chapter.)

* * *

It was another week before Dan's situation seemed to have normalized somewhat. It was all very confusing for Phil to grip on still, because he had no idea what had made Dan breakdown so completely and so suddenly. He wondered if it had something to do with his drug-abuse, but since Dan had promised them to have stopped, he would believe him. He did trust Dan though that trust had been cracked a few times before.

Phil wasn't going to pressure him to spill all his secrets, but he had to ask him what had spurred him to hurt himself like that. He needed to know that so he could help him and prevent it from happening again.

Their band's album was still being finished off and PJ and Chris had been working hard on their newest music video so that it would be released in time with the album. The tabloids were gushing over what was happening with Poison and Antidote as usual and seemed to have a certain interest with Dan's condition at least health wise. There were all these "doctors" who gave false statements on his mental health and whatnot and everyone seemed to go bullocks when they speculated he was manic-depressive or something of the likes.

Dan's dad called him in a long time and demanded to know what was going on. Phil heard Dan stammering out an answer for him, saying something like it being just the press being an idiot once again and nothing more, that he was perfectly fine and things were going great. But just by listening him, Phil knew that his dad would never buy it even if he couldn't see the way Dan's whole body shook as he muttered out the lies.

Phil decided to go over things Dan later on that evening, hoping he might be able to help him out or at least just be someone who listens. The only barrier at the moment was that PJ was home and chatting up with Dan while lounging on the sofa, playing some tunes on the guitars.

Phil had just finished washing the dishes after their dinner and was making his way over to the others, when he heard Dan talking to PJ.

"- I've been here for so long, it has started to feel more like home to me than my own flat has ever felt like. I need start moving back to my own place and let you guys have your flat back to yourselves. I've been hogging in here like an unwanted, but persistent fly that never seems to die. I'll start packing my things tomorrow, so you needn't worry anymore about be leeching on you much longer."

PJ started talking before Phil could object to Dan, but was glad to hear PJ was on his side. "Hey, Dan, come on! You're no petty fly running on the crumbs on our kitchen counter. You're our dear friend. We don't want you to leave. It's been great having you here with us and I sure wouldn't mind if you stayed a little longer or even permanently if you wanted that."

Phil walked over and sat on Dan's other side and slightly startled them both by his almost silent entering. He hooked his arm around Dan's shoulders and hugged him to his side like he had got used to doing, and picked Dan's chin between his fingers so that he would look at him properly.

"Hey, what's this I hear about you moving tomorrow, Bear? PJ's right, you know. I definitely wouldn't mind you staying with us either. I'd actually prefer that anyway. I love having you around. Besides, who's going to keep my bed warm in the morning when I have my shower and then come back to snuggle with you?"

Phil was delighted when he saw blush rising to Dan's cheek at his remark. "But that can't be. You're just being too good to me. But I'm better now, I promise. I can safely get back to my flat which rent I don't exactly remember paying in a while, and let you guys have back your own flat. I'm sure you've actually got pretty bored of me already and can't wait for me to get out. All I've done is create trouble and chaos around here which I apologise for, seriously", Dan said his brown eyes growing sad.

"That's not true, Dan! We meant what we said. We want you to stay. Of course we're worried about you too, but more than that, we want you to stay because you're our friend and that's why we care about you and want you here. Besides, wouldn't it be easier for us to practice and whatnot when most of us would be living under the same roof?" Phil said back and hugged Dan closer to himself. "Capish?"

Dan grinned at him from that. They had been watching a weird old movie about a mob last night and they had constantly been asking "Capish? Capish?" Dan shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly and looked over to PJ again. "There's plenty room here, you know that. There's actually room that we don't use which could be turned into another bedroom. Unless of course you'd rather stay at Phil's and snuggle away..." PJ said with a knowing smirk. Dan elbowed him in the side for that.

"It's not I want to leave here. I mean, it's been great so of course I'd be pleased to stay as well, but I'm not sure if you've thought this through properly", Dan mumbled and looked down to his own feet. "We've talked about this with PJ a time ago, Dan. This isn't something we came up with just now. We were kind of hoping the wouldn't even have bring it up. That you would just find yourself comfortable enough here to simply just overstay your schedule and we wouldn't have to deal with any of this."

"You really thought I would just keep staying here like some vermin, no problem and you would have been happy with that? You guys are unbelievable. But tell me, seriously, are you absolutely sure about this? I don't want to live in false hope."

PJ clasped his shoulder and nodded exaggeratedly but sincerely. Then Dan looked at Phil who's side he was still almost glued to. "Yes, Dan. We're sure." And then Dan let himself smile widely.

* * *

There wasn't much Dan had to bring to his "new" flat from his old one since he hadn't got too much furniture in the first place and since he would be staying - surprise, surprise - in Phil's room. He just brought the rest of his clothes and some small memorabilia. They could have had a small party in favour of this transition, but decided that a simple movie night would suffice. Chris joined them and they had a blast for once. Sure there were times when something awkward was brought up and that made a small uncomfortable silence, but they would recover. They always did, whatever it was.

It was also a time when Dan felt like maybe it was time to come clean. Really, just to explain what had been going on with him. It wasn't exactly fair that he was troubling his friends like this when they didn't even know the cause of all of his "fits".

So while they had finished watching the last one of the movies for the night, the lights were dimmed for the screen and he had had some beer which had made him a bit more calm, and all of his friends were sitting on the sofas lounging about, soft pillows and being nuzzled in a fluffy blanket and especially for being tucked to Phil's side again, he felt completely safe and sound. Chris made him slightly apprehensive, but he knew that he was still one of his best friends, that he wouldn't be mad at him and maybe he would understand now too.

The others had been talking about whatever for the last minutes as the credits were rolling down to some easy, calm music when Dan decided that it was now or never. When it became quieter and Chris went to get the DVD out of the player, he spoke up.

"Hey guys, um... There's something I feel like I should explain to you", Dan muttered, voice already trembling a bit. He felt Phil turning to him and ran his fingers through his hair to sweep the fringe away from his eyes to properly look at him. He had noticed the different, more serious and also more vulnerable change in Dan's tone.

"Bear?" The others turned to look as well. Dan started feeling quite uncomfortable under their gazes and began to fiddle with the loose ends of the cotton blanket in his lap and turned his whole attention to it. "Yeah, because, y'know... Since I've been acting a bit... strangely for quite some time now and you've been having to deal with that, I thought you should be given some sort of a reason for it. So that you could maybe understand. I just hope that you don't take this the wrong way and start to pity me even more or maybe find me disgusting or something, but really I never even wanted any of it to happen. Yeah, maybe it was my fault and maybe it was because of all of my stupid decision I got into these situation in the first place, but you'd think that what you say in that moment, what you decide, should be enough of a reason to just stop-"

"Dan, hey, calm down. It's alright. You're safe. No one is going to judge you in any way. You're with friends", Phil said and stroked his thumb over Dan's pale cheek softly. PJ sat more openly at the end of the sofa to look at him better. "Yeah, mate. It's all good. But are you trying to tell that someone..."

Dan swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut for a second. "Remember Harry? He was the guy at the Plaza when we had to do all those interviews and I messed up. Well, uh, he wasn't so happy about being thrown out and I never called him like I told him, because I wasn't actually into him or anything, I was just messing around at the time. But when we went to the Grammy's, he knew where I was. So while I was in the hotel room and Phil was out at the shops, I heard a knock on the door. I thought it would be Phil, but it was him. Uh, uhm... so he came in and I, uh, told him n-not to, but he, he still did and he..."

It was getting hard for Dan to speak. His vocal chords seemed to have shut down and his whole being was shaking and Phil held him a bit more tighter to his side to comfort him. "It's alright", he heard him whisper into his ear very quietly. Dan swallowed again, this time painfully and continued.

"He, he... fucked me... but I didn't want it." He didn't need to look up to see his friends faces fall even deeper into sadness, he could feel it in the atmosphere. He didn't want to hear them say anything though so he just kept on telling his story even though he probably ruined the whole night that had started so highly for all them. "I didn't want to tell anyone for the same reasons I don't want to tell this all to you now, so I kept quiet about it. I mean, it wasn't the first time it had happened. It had happened with Keith as well. But it wasn't the last time either. That night when I... I took that bath with the- Well, I had gone out earlier because of smelling that cherry pie and Harry always used cherry- It just made me want to catch some fresh air. But somehow I found myself at the bar where I had met him the first time. And he, he was there. And he d-did again."

"Oh my God... That's fucking horrible, Dan. Have you made a sexual assault report to the police about this guy yet? Because you should. I mean, that shit's just fucking awful. Fucking Hell..." Chris bellowed and threw his hands over his eyes.

PJ shook his head and softly patted Dan's knee over the blanket. "I'm really sorry to hear that, Dan. But I think it's good that you told us. I mean, talking about these things is always better than keeping them to yourself. For you and for us."

Dan just sniffled a bit and nodded though he wasn't really sure about anything at the moment. He noticed then that Phil had remained stoically quiet and still. He looked up at him slightly scared of what he would think of him now. I mean, they had been together through this whole time and even though Dan had said no, maybe that wasn't enough for Phil. Maybe he saw it as cheating...

But when he looked up at him, he saw Phil's eyes brimming with tears as he looked back down at him with a sorrowful expression. "Phil?" he whispered with a fragile voice. Right then he was scooped up into his arms, pulled to his chest and squeezed tight against the warmth of his boyfriend. Dan's head was seated in the crook of Phil's shoulder and he wrapped his own, spindly arms around him too.

"You're going to be alright, Bear. I'm so, so, so sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. So sorry. But I'll promise to protect you better. I promise that. I won't let anyone hurt you ever again like that. Never. I love you", Phil told him in a shaking voice but which was filled with determination. "It's not your fault, Phil. None of it. All you've done is care for me. Better than I could do myself. Thank you."


	16. Amazing even

"I love you guys! I love you Phiil! Yeaaah! Dan, look here, hey! Hey! PJ, fuck yeah! You're so fucking sexy, Chris! I Love you!"

They were back out there doing concerts again. Had been in fact for about two months. They had been touring mainly England for now, a patriotic little thing really. They were after all quite used to doing big, big shows on some of the biggest stages in the world, but they wanted to start a bit slower with their new album this time after all the hassle that had been going down before. They would tour across Britain and then go back home for a month or more before getting back on the road to go to other countries across the world.

Dan was still in rehab in a way. He still experiences withdrawals from time to time and his mental stability was even now on the line for the most part which was the main reason they were taking things slow and one at a time. It wasn't something Dan personally rooted for, but he saw the benefit of the effort they were all making for him. It was bringing them all together. And of course it was aiding his recovery which was important, because he wanted to get better as soon as he could. Phil was still taking extra measures to be certain that Dan was feeling as well as he could be wherever and whenever.

Tonight they were playing in Dublin with a fairly large crowd, certainly as excited and almost as chaotic as usual for them. They were coming to the end of the show in a short while, but this time Dan didn't even really feel like ending it so soon. He was feeling good about this place, about the atmosphere. The tabloids had been running rumours about them, and especially him, during Dan's more "fragile" period in life and Dan had been if only a little worried about it affecting the whole band and how people perceived them. After all, Dan wouldn't want their career to suffer because of his bad decisions. But it seemed like their following was more abiding and dogging and instead of criticizing and throwing rotten tomatoes at them, they seemed to want to focus on just enjoying the music more than anything else like the nonsense written about them on the papers and how Dan looked like he had just got out of a mental hospital with Phil supporting him by his waist protectively during his slightly more depressive episodes while walking from trailer to building and back again.

Dan had been going to a psychiatrist who had been helping him by letting him spill out his held up emotions and the terrible shame he had realised he had been living with for so long now. Dan had also discovered a great deal of anger that had been bubbling just beneath the sad, murky waters of his mind, threatening to burst out at the slightest of irritants, and which in the worst case scenario, could have lead to something with very serious consequences. Implosion. So Dan had been working on letting it out safely so that he could feel a bit better. He had taken up on some boxing lessons at an underground gym and with Chris of all people. During those hard matches against the unfeeling, battered punching bags, they had also managed become closer to each other much like they had used to be before. Things were beginning to look up truly. Dan was feeling hopeful which was the most important thing for him. He needed to be hopeful about the future in order to start living in the present again with actual feelings other than just the strange mix of pain and numbness from feeling absent and stuck in history.

Living together with PJ and Phil was also helping him get back to his feet. They were always there to support him whenever needed. Phil especially. He really was great with Dan. Sometimes almost too great so that Dan started feeling like he was putting too much pressure on Phil to be there for him constantly, or that Dan wasn't there enough for him. like he didn't give as much as he received which was the worst feeling for Dan. But Phil made sure to remind him plenty of times that they both needed slightly different things and Dan was being there for Phil just us much as he was there for Dan. Of course, understanding that to the cure was easier said than done, but it did make sense to Dan too.

Also the band itself was doing fine as well. Amazing even, you could say. With their new manager they were doing better than ever before. All of their shows were fully booked and everyone wanted them to come to their city knowing it would do great for them and their business. They were getting finally some good publicity after Dan was able to keep all of the personal troubles behind the scenes. And the same goes for the rest of them too, mind you.

Gradually things were becoming wholesome again and even better. Seeing something broken becoming fixed could make that once broken thing a lot more valuable and interesting than something that was all fine in the beginning and stayed so for the rest of time. It was like fixing a broken chinaware cup with gold fillings.

When the show eventually did come to its glorious end, the whole band gave their modest bows before leaving the stage for that night. They hang out in the lounge and met with the manager and talked how the show had went, what improvements they could make and what had went well.

Phil had Dan sit right next to him, almost on his lap one could say and rubbing his back gently as Dan gulped down some water for his now slightly wrecked voice. PJ and Chris were talking animatedly with the manager on how it all had gone really well, but how Chris really thought some flaming drumsticks would really add more quality to their show.

They laughed about before getting back on the bus to get back on the road to head towards the next city to play in.

Dan and Phil made their way to the back of the bus where there was a bigger bed made for two people and even a proper door to have some privacy. Dan took off his shirt immediately seeing it was drenched in sweat from going about on the stage under the hot white lights.

"Oh, look at you go. Are you gonna do a little private show for me, baby?" Phil joked as he slumped down onto a stuffy chair in the corner to take his shoes off. Dan grinned over his shoulder and swayed his hips a little for him while taking his jeans off. "Like what you see, hun? There's a lot more to this than just a little performance. _You_ can touch", Dan teased and slapped his own behind all the while looking seductively over his shoulder to Phil. That was before bursting out in giggles as he went to the shower. Phil answered with some throaty chuckles but decided to take some proper action this time. He stood up and quickly disgarmented himself too before following Dan into the shower.

Dan was startled at first when he felt the warm hands of Phil's on his waist through the drops of hot water but recovered quickly with a gentle smile on his lips. He turned his head towards Phil's which was nuzzled in his shoulder softly nipping at his pale flesh.

"Hmmm, I hope I'm allowed to taste too, because you, baby, are delicious enough to eat", Phil murmured into his ear and Dan couldn't help but groan as knowing, steady hands encircled his whole body, and one of the stopping by his groin to tease with him.

"You can have anything you want, sweetheart. Just go ahead to taste", Dan whispered and Phil carefully lowered himself on his knees behind him, his big hands grasping at his hips before massaging his ass cheek.

"Oh, well then I shall", he responded before parting gently his subtle cheeks and Dan enticingly helped by parting his legs for him as well and taking hold of the tile wall in front of him to keep himself balanced. Phil diving in, giving a few soft licks to his hole before gently pushing forward intentionally. He pressed himself inside and Dan was already seeing stars. He could only hope the shower would be soundproof, but who the hell has soundproofed showers in a tour bus.

Phil's hands vandered around on his body, holding him firmly but as gently as he was holding glass at the same time. There was a time when Dan was greatly self-conscious and unsure about his body at the time when he was still using and not eating. He didn't want Phil to see him this out in the open even after he had stopped because gaining weight had never been a very small feat for him. But Phil had loved him and his body and it certainly had seemed to help Dan to accept it as well.

Moans broke through Dan's clenched teeth and Phil only drove in deeper and with more determination as he touched every part of him from the outside and the inside.

"God, Phil... please..." Dan whimpered as Phil parted his legs even wider to get even better access. He then also wrapped his hand around Dan's cock, gentle and firm once again, and Dan was crying out. Soon he was also spasming against Phil's hold on him, but he continued to touch him through it all before getting back up and holding him close to his chest.

"Oh, baby, you are certainly to die for. So so very sweet and soft", Phil murmured again into his ear and Dan could feel his arousal from behind him.

"What do you say we finish washing off and then, maybe, you'll get to taste a little more of me back in the bedroom", Dan insinuated with a sly smirk as he looked up to Phil. "Only if we hurry up", he said before whisking them under the shower head to clean off, and Dan could only smiled to his heart's enjoyment.

And it was good. Amazing even.

* * *

That's that. Finally finished though on a slightly lame note I guess. But finally smut am I right? Anyway, if anyone was still with me on this, I hope you leave some feedback so I'll know how you liked it. Also and obvious apology for being this very late but a lot's been going down and anyway I've just been lazy. Thanks for reading still!


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